Tag: siblings

old life

Constant ache. Sometimes punctured with a pain so sharp I literally clutch my stomach. Today has been a day where even the constant ache is so strong I sometimes doubt the strength of my legs to keep me upright.. so those moments of sharp… when they come.. well they feel like I am being cut apart. But it’s nothing major. Its my attempt to be a normal mom again.. Cooking and cleaning with my babies underfoot. Somehow normalcy makes her absence so pronounced. We did play-doh and had a outside picnic. We had an ant attack and all vacuumed and squished ants with wet towels. Nicholas helped me prepare dinner and we have laundry waiting to be folded. Just a simple day. Like our old life.. except it’s all so different.   I used to say when asked about having 4 kids (or still pregnant with our 4th) how I[…]

foggy

Fog. I feel like I am living in a fog  .. Like is this all real? Sometimes it feels like I am looking at somebody else’s life..and so hard to admit “out loud” sometimes it even feels like its somebody else’s daughter. Like it cant really be that my daughter died. I don’t know how to explain it or even what to make of it. Frankly it scares me… Maybe it just shows how  disturbing all of this is… that my mind pulls back…lets a fog roll in to blanket this tragedy.. ..am attempt to protect my mind and save my sanity. Its incredibly disorientating. Because then all of the sudden…the truth blasts me. Something will happen that allows me to see with a clarity that destroys me. Today one such occasion was the butter. When we lived at my parents, throughout her radiation, we brought butter her own butter.[…]

Angry

Today was hard. Will I ever not feel that way? So much of today was spent talking with nurses, pharmacists, and thankfully our great docs. Her oncologist from Stanford cried with me today. I don’t do that. I am a private crier. I have a need for Jennifer to eat, at least one more time. She might regain some of what she lost. She is hungry, but scared to eat. So tomorrow we start fresh to try to get on top of this awful vomiting and nausea. I hope to get her to eat. At least with this new plan I’ll know I did everything and didn’t just–this isn’t the right word– “quit.” She hates meds by mouth. Always has. So tomorrow we try a new path. I know it’s only been a day, but when time is this limited, when a tumor is this hungry and fierce, a day[…]