Tag: sibling loss

did sissy die there?

I try to prepare.. especially for things I think will be hard for the kids. Not sure why.. I am pretty much always wrong. Jonathan had a kinder prep day today. I was worried about how hard it would be for him.. and me.. But he was nervous in the more typical jittery way. Being at Jennifer’s school didn’t seems to knock him the way I thought it might. He was bummed at first when he found out he wouldn’t be in her room.. But that was really all. No kids in uniforms.. lining up in a different spot and I guess just knowing it wasn’t a school day made it easier for me than I prepared for. ..until I got in the car. Nicholas. “Mom did sissy die there?” Like being slapped in the face. A sudden and harsh burn. So we talked. He asked who was there when[…]

normal

I feel like I should write.. like I want to write but the words won’t come to me.. neither will sleep it seems this week either. I still feel like I have so much to write I don’t want to forget.. about Seattle and our bereavement camp. But those memories seem so distant to me somehow. Not lost.. not yet at least.. but fuzzy and distant. Muted by my grief. I feel like I am deep in this right now. Struggling with my broken heart and my goals for the future. I find myself scared of so much .. my grief, my numb and from there it grows on and out. I find myself not wanting to leave the house again and letting the phone go to voicemail versus answering. What I don’t know.. what I don’t understand, is why its happening. I just hurt so much right now. I[…]

weather or not..

The weather this morning was perfection for me..  It eases me. Overcast, cold, cloudy, chilly, gray. But I feel like if I stand outside.. especially if I run then I can somehow find her again. I find myself yearning for this weather.. longing for it .. Because when its here I feel like I can take a really deep breath .. What a gift that is for me now. I leave for Seattle on Wednesday to help lend my voice to one of Dr. Olsens fundraisers. I am so looking forward to the weather! This weekend was quite different though.. and even though we did a bereavement program I found it hard to find her in the heat.. So ironic though.. she loves the heat and the sun. The program was pretty awesome for the boys. They each got to ride full size horses.. They looked so tiny, but they[…]

the stars

Pre and post her death. Thats how time is for me now. So this is the first Thanksgiving… It knocked me over. I think I wasn’t prepared at all for it. The night before I just cried and cried. Tony came home from golfing to a heartbroken wife. Its such a hard balance for our marriage. He had a good time but walked in the door to such a dark and pain filled home. He opened his arms to me though and did his very best to try and absorb my sorrow. I was hurting so bad I honestly in that moment wished that was possible. That he could take on some of  it and give me some relief. Its impossible though.. but it did help .. to have somebody there to hold me up.. to bear witness to my destruction and be there to help me re-build. Thanksgiving was[…]

she is more

Birthday done..check. Now halloween. I want to to just sleep through it. I want to avoid it completely. But I can’t, that wouldn’t be fair to my little 3. And then that makes me mad. I always did a good job appreciating the middle of the night wake ups and temper tantrums over not liking their costumes.. because I knew.. well I thought I knew how quickly time could pass. I had no idea I would only be gifted 6 truly magical years … before cancer stole a piece of all of us. The benefit of having so many older siblings that had children before me is that I know I am in the glory years. . the magic years.. But I’m not relishing in them the way I want to.. the way I used just a year ago. My love for them is big and strong.. but the ache[…]

this last

You never know the lasts..I wrote about that before.. wondering if I would know the lasts as they came to pass.. I didn’t. Surprisingly I still don’t. I got mail for her. Jennifer Lynn Kranz.   It was ironically enough from the first eye dr we saw.. the one that said we needed to take her to a specialist. .. that lead us to a MRI that then discovered the tumor that would turn our lives upside down. .. eventually ripping us apart. Will that be the last piece of mail I get for her? The last time I see her name in my mail box?   How is that even possible.. my daughter. My should be almost 7 yr old. Sometimes it feels like she is being wiped off the face of this earth. She was stolen from us 8 months ago.. but somehow I feel like I lose[…]

fantasy

I feel like a wounded animal. I feel like I am slowly bleeding out. I remember being pregnant and dairy products with dates stamped on it past my due date.. how thrilling that was. Today I pulled out strong cheese for the kids and it was stamped with a date past the one year anniversary of her death. . how? why? no? Today seeing that sent a chill right through me. In a few months I will be done with all the firsts without her.. and just onto the rest of time.. Holiday after holiday.. one less.. Day after day being incomplete. I wonder if one day I will get used to it? Adjust to this new life of mine.. without her. Because right now its a lot like a phantom limb. Like I go to stand on the life I was had only to fall down since its no[…]

she has cancer

I miss seeing her in new ways.. I miss her little arms surprising me with hugs.. and the sweet way she would talk to her baby sister. All I have now is the pictures. Sometimes I drown in them. . Often after I write I look for the right pictures to fit in. It takes me a good deal of time to find them since I am always pretty sure what I am looking for.. and then I get lost.. In memories .. good and bad.. I look at the pictures in treatment. How beat down and tired she looked. I can see it so well now. Almost like the outline of death around her. At the time though I couldn’t tell. . somehow I was able to just see beyond the dark circles and just see my daughter. At first her eye was so jarring to me.. but at some[…]