Tag: sibling grief

juggling

I always wanted to be a mom and I knew that I wanted a big family. It’s why I worked in day cares and summer camps and then became a teacher. To practice what I knew my lifes work was supposed to be.. I was always confident in my ability to juggle and thrive as a mom to bigger sized clan Then came infertility.. and miscarriage after miscarriage.. and then all I wanted to be was a mom. Just a chance to grab that golden ring .. Jennifer gave me that. If you ever asked her she would say Oct 28th 2007 we went from Tony and Libby to Mommy and Daddy. She gave us that. And it can never ever be taken away. I am so grateful she got to give us those titles. And I truly believe God knew I needed her first before he gave me the[…]

a letter to my surviving kids

Kids. This ones for you. I recently said I was excited to get old. That my age only bothers me because I am still so young. One of my brothers is turning 40 this week and I thought I know exactly what I will think when I blow out my 40 candles.. The same thing I think every year now.. One year closer… a little bit closer to my grave. And that makes me happy.. Then I was asked about my other kids.. Do I worry about how those feelings might impact them? So kids. This one. This ones all for you. .. ..your mothers love letter to you.. They all are really though.. Just not in the typical fashion. Every word I type here is my fight for you. My digging into the infection that is grief. A wound created by the loss of your sister. One that if left[…]

o for outstanding

Those sudden surprise moments.. The shock of being unprepared is like jumping into the freezing cold water of grief. .. It steals your breathe and even when you start to regain it.. its stays sharp and ragged. Your heart is beating hard and fast and you look around disoriented. .. fight or flight they call it right? It happened the other night getting Jonathan’s report card. Tony was starting to talk to him about a few things and I stopped him and asked if we could talk privately later about how we wanted to approach it.. To be sure we can be on the same page.. no big deal. normal parenting.. Except.. nothing is normal parenting for us anymore. When will I learn that? He said “yes good point” .. and looked at our sweet blue eyed boy and elaborated ” That this was uncharted territory for us.. ” At[…]

lets go!

I keep thinking I’ve done a good enough job explaining death and heaven… the permanency of it all to them. But its still just too hard of a concept for them to get I think.. I guess in all reality its too hard for me to really get it either.. The other day we were all driving in the car .. home from a day spent with some of our family remembering Jennifer and we heard Charlotte from the back of the car. Just hearing her little voice calling out made me smile remembering earlier in the night.. We watched a video we played at Jennifer’s services. Charlotte had been so cute as we watched the video. She was calling out so excitedly.. so proudly SISSY every time a picture of Jennifer flashed on the screen. I was crying. Big solid silent tears across the room. And she noticed. I[…]