Tag: services

a thousand years

Tomorrow is one year since her services. Tony is out with the guys tonight so I have spent the last 90 minutes watching the video of her services. Crying and laughing.. much like I did that day. I watched it ..I watched me .. I remembered how I felt. The pull from above. The strength in her presence that day. And I miss it. The newness of it all that allowed it not to hurt so much. I cried much more.. I cried much harder watching it all unfold again today. But it was perfect it really truly was. The only time I really cried that day was the end of it all. When we were all done cleaning up the reception and Tony walked into the room. I just went to his arms.. and I sobbed. For a moment he was protective. Wanting to know who upset me.. until[…]

muscle memory

We saw Santa. It was anti climatic. Which was a good thing actually since so much.. so much has been so big lately. Only Jonathan even sat on his lap. It was easier .. not so vividly missing her since the photographs I took were missing most of my kids. But a friend and I talked. How we both knew.. if she was there they all would have followed her. They always did for things like that. Sissy made them feel safe.  Tony and I had counseling last night. Mostly it centered around raising kids through this loss. Trying to sort out what is best for them. My family is crazy. We take all things competition very seriously. Even Baggo, (I googled it for you). A few years ago a tournament was started. Round Robin. Team names. Costumes. We do it at one of the high schools one my brother[…]

are you reading this?

Let me first start by sharing that Wes from Coast Range Cross Fit is in the games this weekend.. we would be cheering him on.. and in awe of all the athletes anyways.. but him wearing a Unravel Pediatric Cancer shirt gave a little extra boost! Such a full day. It started off with a friend coming over to talk Unravel stuff.. Since I felt like she was doing me a favor I wasn’t the mom I should have been.. the mom I want to be to the boys. Instead of getting off my lazy ass and getting them batteries for the bubble machine I kept just telling them to go off and play.. Two reasons that was hard for me.. First it made me hyper aware she is gone. I thought I had done such a good job raising kids content to go off and play on their own.[…]

questions?

Just watched her services for the first time. Just me and her pinkie and nigh nigh. .. . kinda feel like I was in a boxing match. .. .i lost. Badly. I feel a weight on my shoulders.. pushing my down. So heavy. I thought it would start to get lighter? . .. its not. Its getting heavier. I smile. I laugh. I talk. It all seems fine. Its not. I am so broken. How is it that I hurt so much more now than I did a month ago? I watched her in that video and so violently wanted to touch her again . Even the sick her. Even as she struggled to hold on. I would take that her back in a heartbeat…even just for a heartbeat I would choose to end my suffering over hers. Oh my god..how horrible am I? I am supposed to be happy[…]