Tag: running

run ahead

I am not alone. It’s a big piece of why I still share this blog. Its harder to do now. I feel so much more drained when I write. So much more exposed now  ..  But I share because of the notes I get from others in my shoes or from those loving somebody else that is in my shoes. It’s why I share. I went for a run on the beach while we were there for her should have been 8th birthday.  I often do that when we are at a beach,  but this time I connected to it in a different way. I always look at the ocean and remember that saying about there being as many souls in heaven as drops in the ocean. I believe that. I sensed that as I held her as she died. The fullness in the room beyond anything I have ever felt.[…]

one day

We had a wonderful anniversary trip. We walked and spent time together.. and we struggled and we fought as we tried to figure out how to navigate missing the same 6 year old girl in such vastly different ways. I need to talk about her. About all the memories and the moments. Tony needs to escape it more often then not. He looked at this weekend as a time to get some respite from our grief.. A chance to be husband and wife for 48 hours. I looked at it as a time to grieve together.. uninterrupted.. A chance to be mommy and daddy to a girl in heaven. We were both right in what the trip should have been.. The thing is we both failed to share our expectations with each other.. both assuming the other had the same mindset. It all came out over dinner on Saturday ..[…]

what doesn’t kill you..

I went for a run this morning with my 2 littles while Jonathan was in preschool.. and while Jennifer.. well we all know where she is but somehow I still feel like I need to mention her. I was thinking about the broadcast that was on about Unravel and all the people fluttering last night. You can watch and read it here..its a different post than the original and explains fluttering really well!  I am not usually publicly emotional .. and it showed me crying not once but twice..  I was feeling very vulnerable. And then this song came on “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” And I thought oh the irony.. She couldn’t have possibly been any stronger.. But maybe that’s not the point of this song playing in my ears. .. Maybe its me? Because although cancer has destroyed so much of me.. it did not take all of me.[…]