Tag: remembering dead child

rear view mirror

I don’t want to write tonight.. I don’t want to go there.. here. To remember where I was 4 months ago tonight. Steeling myself for the something so strong .. it dissolves steel. It started to hit this morning.. driving to a friends house I cried silent.. tears… but since then I have run from the truth that haunts me .. I cried angry tears and sad tears.. Relay for life is soon to happen in my town. Driving I saw the purple ribbons everywhere.. I wish I had no connection to it…I wish it didn’t impact me like it does. It made me feel stupid looking at them. . How I had been tricked into thinking that the money raised was for all cancers.. pediatric and adult when in reality it is unproprtionaly split towards adult cancer. 1 cent of every dollar goes towards pediatrics (PAC2) A worthy organization[…]

my daughter

I am reaching for her. Always so desperate to try to connect to her. Its been a slow build over the past few days to the point of all consuming… My boys really wanted a party for Charlotte. So we threw something together last minute for her on Friday, a few days after her birthday. We still had our gluten free cupcakes for her actual birthday so we went outside to sing and eat them… since they crumble more than glutenful cupcakes.. We lit her candle, it blew out and as we sang it blew out again.. then it hit me. Out loud I said good job Jennifer.. and it stayed lit. .. was it really her? I choke on that hope.. That she was there. Present enough to be experiencing it with us. close enough to blow out her baby sisters candles.. right now I look out onto the[…]