Tag: remembering dead child

her Christmas gift

We woke up all with Jennifer on our hearts and minds… And as it turns out the feeling was mutual. My niece came over last night and saved Christmas for the second year in a row. She came over to wrap presents for my kids. Without her to talk with and to honestly do most of it I don’t know if it would have gotten done. It is so hard to not be wrapping for her.. So I just avoid it at all costs. As I fell asleep silent tears hit my pillow..  as I was helplessly wishing I could give her a present.. This morning the very first thing Nicholas did was ask my a question about sissy.. He was groggy, wiping sleeping from his eyes and asked if she used to wear boxers.. I was taken aback and at first said no.. but then realized she probably did[…]

dirty truth

Grinding. Heavy. Sharp. Never the words I wold have imagined myself using to describe Christmas time. Short. Sensitive. Hurting. Never the words I would have imagined my husband using to describe us this time of year. Everyday is just hard. No other way to describe it. The ache for her is palpable. The memories of our last year with her. Such a short time we knew she had cancer.. This time of year brings it all back. The family pictures we took.. . Her face swollen with steroids. . A trip to Disneyland. . Presents that barely got played with.. And now. A vast empty. How can it hurt this much? How are we supposed to survive this? I don’t want to do it all over again. But I am. We are. Day after day. Its not fair. Why my daughter? I hate this part of it. The searing and[…]

ground to outer space

I forgot. I couldn’t believe I had forgotten… Cookie and cocoa and lights. A tradition that matters. We started it Jennifer’s first Christmas. It was always a celebration of getting to be parents. A night I always remembered and appreciated how hard fought for these children of ours were.  As each year we went from 1 to 2 to 3 … 4… with our 4th child then we knew we be losing our first one.. But I loved it. One of the only things that I actually have looked forward to these 2 seasons without her.. Because I remembered so much so fondly. The way she would get so excited.. Even showing her siblings that were just sleeping babies the lights. Squealing out to everybody whose window to look out of. I needed that. That remembering of the happy noises. My boys fight. A lot. And they fight hard. It[…]

love wasn’t enough..

Christmas is almost here.  A day I counted down to and used to love. Even more after having children then I did even as a child. It was pure magic to get to experience it with them.. I’ve lost that. I’m sad. I miss my daughter. I look at her stocking and hate that I know it won’t be filled with gifts for her. Although we started a tradition last year that we are going to stick with. Santa will bring something to the whole family in honor of Jennifer. So at least her stocking will be taken down and laid out.. even though she won’t be here to run to it. .. Just thinking about it all makes my stomach hurt… and clench .. And the same words tunnel their way through my brain.. Keeping me up. .. but she’s only 6. just barely 6.  And then my brain[…]

8th birthday un-party

Her birthday. The second one we have endured since losing her. The anniversary of her terminal diagnosis. DIPG. The same day and the second we have faced without her. A un-party. We escaped with the kids. It seems to be the only way I can even begin to imagine facing these huge milestones. To the beach, a beach house that friends of our family open up to us. I like being somewhere she was. Being able to remember her in one corner. .. or on the stairs or sharing a meal. She was here with us once. Alive and whole. We mostly escaped social media and our phones on the trip. But Tony and I each took a few moments of solitude to escape into the digital world. We saw post after post about our daughter. About moments and memories people made with their children .. because knowing a family[…]

bucket with holes

I am trying so hard. To keep afloat. To not drown or go all the way under. But I don’t think I can. I just miss her so much. I want to be alone. Just locked inside this house.. Just be home. Doing nothing. Just us. I want to grab them all and just run away. I don’t want Tony to go to work.. or Jonathan to go to school. .. I want to just be near each other. But for them I try. ..  I do. Not well though. I am lost .. All my old tricks aren’t working. I am doing crossfit again. But instead of having that as a time to connect with people, to pull me out of myself It pushes me further inside.. I feel like an actress.. No connection. I am locked away.. trapped inside of myself.. Too weak to allow any of me out[…]

llama llama

Memories are all I have left.. Its what us bereaved parents cling to. but when they hit unexpectedly it can be devastating. I feel like I have been hit over and over again today, and I feel so weak. I rarely leave the house to run errands anymore. Her memory seems to haunt me everywhere I go. I actually wouldn’t mind it so much if it was just me .. I have no problem crying in public.. But it just isn’t fair for my kids. ..especially on days like today when the tears were fairly constant. Turning on the car.. I hear the song we walked her down the aisle to.. The only time we will have that privilege. Even just driving in the parking lots for the grocery stores got to me today. I still haven’t been able to go into a grocery store since she died.. Today being[…]

because of her

Another 12th.. experienced and gone.. Much like my daughter. The 12th is so bittersweet for me. Its a day to truly go back.. remember and reconnect .. to feel the overwhelming sadness over her being gone for another milestone in time somehow thats a good thing for me.. but then the ache that the distance is ever-growing between us. We got up yesterday and I asked Tony to take us, me and baby Charlotte and our memories to the beach. We went for breakfast and walked on the beach together. I cried a little .. off and on.. We talked a little off and on.. We bought a ton of candy. It was good. It was exactly what we needed.. time together as a couple. Our concentration being on each other.. not a non-profit.. not raising awareness. .. just each other. Husband and wife.. grieving mom and dad. On the[…]

still brave

As yet another 12th comes closer I start to think about her death constantly. About what I was doing and feeling on February 9th. Remember with me..  That ring.. I remember that day. My friend coming to get it to try to save it for me.. How I hated having it off for a few hours. I love it so much. Its more precious to me than any other piece of jewelry I have ever owned. There are a lot of memorial tattoos ideas I am marinating on.. But that ring marked on me forever is for sure happening. I don’t often re-read my blogs. But I am glad I did with that one.. because it reminds me of who she was. The silly spunky way she would ask for the ring back. . and then give it to me over .. How happy she was to see me wearing[…]

heavy and crushing

It is so hard to come home to a house without her. . Its hard to leave and feel like I am leaving her behind. .. It is hard to come home.. to hug my boys.. and have my arms ache so desperately for the one hug I will never have the luck of getting in this life again.  I know experts would tell me she is too little but I am so sure Charlotte feels the same way too.. The unabashed joy that washed over her seeing her brothers today was incredible. I couldn’t help but wonder if she thought they were also gone from her forever. It was a half giggle – half cry noise. Eerily the kind of noises I think I would make if I got my Jennifer back..                                  […]