Tag: regrets

forget

I look at her picture. And I want to grab her out of it. To feel her warmth again..I just want to grab her by the shoulders.. and shoulders. .. her shoulders .. remember oh God.. please don’t let me forget.. her shoulders .. my hands could perfectly cup them. If I moved my thumbs inward I could feel that bony bump right there.. They curved in slightly.. I think . ..I think she hunched just a tiny bit. Oh my God. Is that her? Or is it Jonathan? please .. oh please. jennifer. no. no. no. its like i am losing you again. Piece by piece she was stolen. And now it happens again. As I struggle against my own brain to remember her. Its like a grainy cell phone picture.. We have tally marks on the wall for the kids heights. I walk past and will touch where[…]

meant to be

**As I was typing the last word in this entry this song started playing.. Open it in another window as you read this.. Because I think she wants me to share her message to me, with you..** ok buggers. ok baby.. ok.. i love you. i love you. i love you I was talking with a friend today.. a new friend from my new life. My AD life.. This friends job is to fundraise for researchers.. well kinda. Her goal is really to raise money to save kids. To stop them from suffering.. from dying. . Its a big deal. It matters and it can be all consuming. The pressure can be overwhelming at times. I get it. So much. .. except I don’t. .. She asked how I dealt with it. Since we are so similar. How do I cope with that anxiety and pressure. The need to do[…]

roses in the ocean

  **I don’t often re-read what I write. But tonight I did. And this posting is a mutant writing. With makes it a perfect depiction of what its like in my head. Where nothing seems to fit together or make sense coming from one person.. And I am trying and failing not to freak out but all of my pictures are getting distorted as I upload them from my “good camera” luckily I snapped a few to text to Daddy with my phone.. So my apologies for lack of pictures. ** Jennifer loved the beach. So very much. We live so close to it. But I almost never took her. because I always had a baby or was pregnant.. or .. well really time. Its because I counted on time to do it later. I really wish I had taken her more often. Tony left on Sunday so its just been me[…]

a thousand years

Do you know I still haven’t dreamt of her. Not the real her. I’m ashamed to admit that .Its only been the anguished her that has found me in the dark of the night. The little girl that died in my arms. I have dreamt of her. The horror that she somehow survived day after day.. That pain filled girl comes to me. ..but its not her. please please please i need that not to be her. But I know.. I know somehow she is trying to get to me. Trying to get to me. To reach me. My 6 year old is trying to get to me and she can’t. And I am so scared its my fault. That I am letting her down all over again. I’m sorry jennifer. I’m so sorry I know this is the key. This is they way I will be able to finally[…]

deserve it

This morning I was driving to the gym. I crossed over the intersection I turned on daily to take Jennifer to school. It hit me.. in just a little bit I will be making that drive again… this time for Jonathan. And it was like a jolted me. This time I have left with all my living babies at home with me more often than not is coming to a close. Forever. I already know how hard it was to deal with the first time around.. how much I missed Jennifer.. how much I longed to just have her home with me. I cannot even imagine how hard its going to be this time around. I started to feel an immense guilt for taking all the time away from this once in a lifetime gift of time I am having to go to the gym.. or run Unravel. I found[…]

old life

Constant ache. Sometimes punctured with a pain so sharp I literally clutch my stomach. Today has been a day where even the constant ache is so strong I sometimes doubt the strength of my legs to keep me upright.. so those moments of sharp… when they come.. well they feel like I am being cut apart. But it’s nothing major. Its my attempt to be a normal mom again.. Cooking and cleaning with my babies underfoot. Somehow normalcy makes her absence so pronounced. We did play-doh and had a outside picnic. We had an ant attack and all vacuumed and squished ants with wet towels. Nicholas helped me prepare dinner and we have laundry waiting to be folded. Just a simple day. Like our old life.. except it’s all so different.   I used to say when asked about having 4 kids (or still pregnant with our 4th) how I[…]

i just want my daughter

I just want my daughter. I miss her so much. With such a terrible forcefulness. So many feelings.. she should have been here.. And why her? Why my baby? I just want to hold her. To feel her. To see her smile. I am trying so hard. So hard just to function .. I cannot believe how exhausting just living can be somedays. Today is that kind of a day. I woke up ok. We took the kids to breakfast since they filled their sticker charts. And my ache started to break open then. I don’t know if it was the nagging feeling I had that I gave into when we left to give a table full of people our business cards. Feeling like I was ruining their nice morning with the reality of our lives.. or even worse. If they didn’t even care. If it was too much and[…]

llama llama

Memories are all I have left.. Its what us bereaved parents cling to. but when they hit unexpectedly it can be devastating. I feel like I have been hit over and over again today, and I feel so weak. I rarely leave the house to run errands anymore. Her memory seems to haunt me everywhere I go. I actually wouldn’t mind it so much if it was just me .. I have no problem crying in public.. But it just isn’t fair for my kids. ..especially on days like today when the tears were fairly constant. Turning on the car.. I hear the song we walked her down the aisle to.. The only time we will have that privilege. Even just driving in the parking lots for the grocery stores got to me today. I still haven’t been able to go into a grocery store since she died.. Today being[…]

I am a blogger

A friend of mine encouraged me .. strongly.. to go to a blogging conference. Who even knew things like that existed! It really helped me to clarify my focus and my goals. I want to speak her name. Hear others speak her name and galvanize efforts to save kids from toxic treatments and parents from joining my ranks. 7 today lose their son or daughter to cancer. It was both scary and energizing to walk up to groups of people and introduce myself. I always tried to have them share their blog/story first since my seemed to be a conversation changer. Although that was hard.. I did what I always seem to do.. and I imagined what it will be like in 2 yrs. To say my daughter has been gone 2 yrs from a brain tumor no survival. .. it will hopefully still have a impact but not the[…]

love of a father

Guest Blog by Jennifer’s Dad   Libby asked me to write something from my perspective. My wife is an amazing writer so I ask you to cut me a little slack 🙂 I guess I will start from the beginning…Libby and I met at a friends wedding about 16 years ago. She was in the wedding and I came up from San Diego to attend. Turned out we had some of the same friends all through out high school, but I had never met her (we always say if we knew each other then, we would not be here together now). We would talk every once in a while when I would call up to the “hangout house” and she would be there and we would grab a drink when I would be in town, but we were just friends. I moved back up to the bay in 2002 and[…]

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