Tag: realizations

she is more

Birthday done..check. Now halloween. I want to to just sleep through it. I want to avoid it completely. But I can’t, that wouldn’t be fair to my little 3. And then that makes me mad. I always did a good job appreciating the middle of the night wake ups and temper tantrums over not liking their costumes.. because I knew.. well I thought I knew how quickly time could pass. I had no idea I would only be gifted 6 truly magical years … before cancer stole a piece of all of us. The benefit of having so many older siblings that had children before me is that I know I am in the glory years. . the magic years.. But I’m not relishing in them the way I want to.. the way I used just a year ago. My love for them is big and strong.. but the ache[…]

s’mores

Today I feel like I am grieving me. The old me. My old life. The woman, friend, wife and mother I used to be.. I went to a beautiful little girls funeral today. I sat and listened to how brave and strong she was.. and I wanted to just be grieving for her. I didn’t want to be able to understand the depths of pain. I miss not being able to imagine what its like to lose your child. I realized today though that this is part of my new life.. part of the new me. Children’s funerals. I picked up the kids and wanted to try to make the best of our day. To find a new groove of this new mom I have become. I tried hard. To put some “emotional money in the bank”. We did a craft together and played ball then I put on a show[…]