Tag: raising children after child loss

waiting for the shoe to drop

A common saying I had no idea where it came from .. but its been chasing itself around my head the last few days.. So I had to find out .. according to wiktionary Etymology : A common experience of tenement living in apartment-style housing in New York City, and other large cities, during the manufacturing boom of the late 19th and early 20th centuries. Apartments were built, similar in design, with the bedrooms located directly above and underneath one another. Thus, it was normal to hear a neighbor removing their shoes in the apartment above. As one shoe made a sound hitting the floor, the expectation for the other shoe to make a similar disturbance was created. I was kinda the opposite of this. I honestly was walking around fairly confident in regards to my children there were no other shoes that could drop.. I have been more scared of[…]

our orchestra

Sissy. This presence.. this person my girls don’t really know. She is everywhere. She is nowhere. Driving down the road Nicholas got excited and pointed exclaiming  “look its SISSY”. with such conviction I had to turn and look. We were driving past the cemetery. I looked in the rear view mirror as Charlottes head turned back forward. She did not have the same look of disappointment I felt.. just acknowledgment.. Because that is the sissy she knows. Its hard to balance it. For Charlotte she wants to know her. To have a connection to be able to share stories. .. So she reaches for them. She listens intently to her brothers when they talk about her. . She takes a lot of ownership in Unravel. When she sees a brochure floating around in the diaper bag she snags it to be able to hand out to whomever she deems fit.[…]

do over

Up and down and backwards.. tumbling over and over again. That was my today. I have felt every emotion possible today. But I am ending it.. in a quiet house with  a few hitting me all at once.. all overwhelming in their own right .. Sadness. Dread. Pride. Gratitude. .. an odd mixture. thank you jennifer. i know. i know you have a part in the latter two. the ones that matter the most. somehow i just know i have you to thank. The dread and sadness .. I don’t think I need to explain those.. And tonight I don’t want to. Tonight those emotions are all mine. Moments to be shared with the daughter I can no longer touch.. but will one day follow into the light.. Most of the day I felt on the edge .. just hanging on by a very thin thread. Verging on an outburst[…]