Tag: rainbow baby

cool kids table

I’m jealous. Of things I never ever would have imagined feeling jealousy over. But cancer has changed me. Losing my daughter has changed me. I see the bonds other cancer families have created through time spent wandering the halls of the hospital and I want that. When I see them getting together.. those surviving and those still fighting a feel like I am walking around the school cafeteria with a tray in my hand.. with only one table to sit at. Most of the tables filled with parents who haven’t carried a cancer diagnosis and they look away and down when I walk close.. Truth is.. even when welcomed I can’t seem to figure out how to lay my tray down and sit anyways. The table is too smooth too shiny .. I see another one and a part of me longs so desperately to sit there too.. Kids that[…]

her same long fingers

Her fuzzy head was nuzzled against me. It was a very rare moment for me with Bridgette. My 5th child and by far our most difficult. .. sent to us from her sister in heaven that I can imagine giggling just a little for sending us this little high needs creature. So I was so appreciative of that moment. Her sleeping next to me as the sun came up .. giving me a few extra moments to lay in bed before starting our day. … but suddenly the carpet was swept out from under me. I was pulled away by my own mind from the simple beauty of the moment. To a time 2 years ago .. snuggling another fuzzy headed baby in my bed. Baby Charlotte was just 9 months when her sister left us for heaven. The day after I was broken. Battered. Quitting. I refused to get[…]

welcome home

Well hello there.. It feels like forever since I have written… Like a lifetime ago.. Which happily I guess it was. Our dandelion wish arrived. A baby girl we named Bridgette Avari Kranz. Her middle name means gift from the heavens.. and we know she is simply just that. We didn’t know gender or when the baby would come.. but we knew the baby would be blonde.. She wasn’t brown hair just like Jennifers and the same long fingers. .. Like her older siblings she will always carry a piece of her biggest sister with her.  Then we had Nicholas’ 4th birthday and just yesterday we had Jonathan’s, his 6th birthday. Six. Unbelievable. We measured him on the wall we have marked with all their heights. He is the same height Jennifer was. I have found myself touching his head a lot today. Trying to remember what it felt like[…]

nesting in a new world

Nesting combined with child loss seems to equal a lot of tears. .. Its seems my urge to clean and prepare the whole house for a new baby means having to take on memories head on. Today it was her food. Jennifer had celiacs disease.. I wasted so much time worrying about how that would be for her as she grew up.. How it would be at school for her, always trying to be prepared for parents bring in unannounced treats and how she would deal with that. Reading about a possible connection between celiac and infertility,  imagining how we would find a good gluten free baker for her wedding day. Days and moments that would never come to fruition. And the ones I feel guilty for. Frustration over having to read every single label. .. Trying to be sure that the BBQ sauce is gluten free and how hard[…]