Tag: radiation

lessons from above

It’s always amazing to me.. how things seem to happen. I desperately want to meet her again in my dreams.. so much so that I think I miss the ways I can see her in my day to day.. Especially right now. I just miss her so much that everything hurts. And to exist.. especially around other people takes a lot of work. So I avoid it. But I worry it will push everyone away. .. So then I move through it and go to social occasions… I find my humor becomes very dry.. And I worry .. will I push everyone away? So really the fear is that my struggles will leave my whole family alone. And its overwhelming. I am overwhelmed. Today was a wake up and cry in the shower kinda day.. Covering my mouth trying to stifle the sobs that are racking my body.. hoping the[…]

flash

flash.. Today it starts I guess.. flashes. Constantly. Of her final weeks. I feel like I am suddenly on the verge. Scared I am about to topple off.. Because I know its not a matter of it.. simply of when. But I can’t do this right now. I leave tomorrow for Seattle to give the amazing Dr Olsen a check from Unravel. Jonathan is missing school and coming with me. I need to not be a shell. .. So I hope by diving in.. and sweeping out the cobwebs of my mind.. maybe I can be more .. Because today was sudden. .. flashes.. moments.. horrible and beautiful. Walking down the hallway past what was Jennifer’s room.. now holding a sleeping baby that never got to meet her biggest sister. a flash that stops me.. Solid. I try to grasp and savor it. The weight of her.. How tiny she[…]

swipe

My mind wanders.. a lot. I have always been a big day dreamer. Its actually one of the reasons I have always enjoyed working out. Its a time to just let my mind and imagination run free. But right now .. even though our california weather is not very fall like I seem to remember. .. I am fighting my day dreams now.. I am finding myself crying nursing Bridgette in the middle of the night when I can’t escape my mind. .. memories. They are flooding me right now much more often.. Of her being sick. Of her treatments. Its hard to get a grip on them… They seem to move through me so quickly.. Like snippets of videos of her. I hate that. That my memories of her don’t seem real right now, they just feel like … like I’m watching her not through my own eyes but[…]