Tag: pregnancy after child loss

cool kids table

I’m jealous. Of things I never ever would have imagined feeling jealousy over. But cancer has changed me. Losing my daughter has changed me. I see the bonds other cancer families have created through time spent wandering the halls of the hospital and I want that. When I see them getting together.. those surviving and those still fighting a feel like I am walking around the school cafeteria with a tray in my hand.. with only one table to sit at. Most of the tables filled with parents who haven’t carried a cancer diagnosis and they look away and down when I walk close.. Truth is.. even when welcomed I can’t seem to figure out how to lay my tray down and sit anyways. The table is too smooth too shiny .. I see another one and a part of me longs so desperately to sit there too.. Kids that[…]

nesting in a new world

Nesting combined with child loss seems to equal a lot of tears. .. Its seems my urge to clean and prepare the whole house for a new baby means having to take on memories head on. Today it was her food. Jennifer had celiacs disease.. I wasted so much time worrying about how that would be for her as she grew up.. How it would be at school for her, always trying to be prepared for parents bring in unannounced treats and how she would deal with that. Reading about a possible connection between celiac and infertility,  imagining how we would find a good gluten free baker for her wedding day. Days and moments that would never come to fruition. And the ones I feel guilty for. Frustration over having to read every single label. .. Trying to be sure that the BBQ sauce is gluten free and how hard[…]

18 months gone

18 months. I simply can’t believe it. officially a year and half since I have touched you.. since i have felt your warm breath in my face. 18 months since i have seen a new goofy pose for the camera.. I am still in shock over how badly it hurts. Over how much I notice the hole. I think I somehow thought by now I would be more adjusted to this new normal. But I am not. I get asked all the time at the end of this pregnancy if I am hoping for another girl.. if I am ready for a 4th. I smile and say its our 5th we have another daughter. Rarely do people follow up with another question. Yesterday a woman did.. Handing out a sample to my kids at Costco she asked where the other girl was. I told her she was in heaven. She didn’t[…]