Tag: parenting in grief

muscle memory

They call it muscle memory.. mus·cle mem·o·ry noun 1. the ability to reproduce a particular movement without conscious thought, acquired as a result of frequent repetition of that movement. Yup. Both boys are struggling. Jonathan started first. His teacher came out and spoke to me after school.. He was getting in trouble at home.. Nothing major just acting out. .. and needy. Nothing seems to be enough for him. My first thought was Jennifer.. Because I knew the time was coming. .. But I do not ever want to force grief upon them.. or excuse poor behavior because their sister died. So we looked.. we tried to find other reasons.. and actually thought we had.. ..but the behavior continued. Then Nicholas’ teacher asked to speak with me.. Worried about him. He was pulling inward.. not acting like himself.. oh sweet boy Still. I didn’t want to immediately think it was[…]

October is my train.

October.. Waiting for that crash.. Standing beside the train tracks.. wind blowing hard and fast against me.. and nothing I can do to stop it.. I feel it though. My whole body trembles as I feel the sheer power and force of the train barreling towards my little family. October.. This month is that train.. Her birthday also the day she was diagnosed with cancer, its the start of it all.. For all the holidays that hurt so much without her.. The ones that now symbolize her short but fierce battle. .. so its not just the stark reminder that one is missing.. its also the memories of our last holidays with her.. When we knew she would die.. i didnt know.. sissy i didnt know you were already dying..  I see a video.. and I watch it.. willing me to just find her in the frame. Its all I see[…]

counting heads

I think all moms will get this.. but certainly moms of bigger families. We count. 1,2,3,4.. Leaving places.. in the middle of places. . we count to be sure we have all of our little chicks accounted for. I think its automatic, we aren’t even aware its happening.. like a counting program running in the background. But when that number is off all other systems shut down and an alarm sounds. One is missing. That happened all the time after she died. I was still counting for 4.. then when the count was only 3 my heart would race.. my eyes would automatically start darting around. And I would hurt so much that moment later realizing over and over again I was back to only counting for 3. .. I don’t know when I stopped. Part of me can’t believe I stopped.. and I feel guilty that I ever did[…]

gray

Definition of gray a. of the color gray b. tending toward gray c. dull in color having the hair gray clothed in gray a. lacking cheer or brightness in mood, outlook, style, or flavor; also: dismal, gloomy<a gray day> b. prosaically ordinary: dull, uninteresting having an intermediate and often vaguely defined position, condition, or character     I am gray. I live and survive in the gray now.. This is the merriam-webster definition of gray.. and I think it suits me.. This new AD me that I discovered in this post.. Parenting after child loss is a bitch. All parenting is hard. All parents question themselves.. I always have. But now the stakes seem so impossibly high. That if I am wrong I can be doing some real damage to their little hearts. Nicholas is hard lately. Really really hard. Angry. Defiant. Stubborn. .. and hurting. Maybe more than the rest of us right now. Is[…]

do over

Up and down and backwards.. tumbling over and over again. That was my today. I have felt every emotion possible today. But I am ending it.. in a quiet house with  a few hitting me all at once.. all overwhelming in their own right .. Sadness. Dread. Pride. Gratitude. .. an odd mixture. thank you jennifer. i know. i know you have a part in the latter two. the ones that matter the most. somehow i just know i have you to thank. The dread and sadness .. I don’t think I need to explain those.. And tonight I don’t want to. Tonight those emotions are all mine. Moments to be shared with the daughter I can no longer touch.. but will one day follow into the light.. Most of the day I felt on the edge .. just hanging on by a very thin thread. Verging on an outburst[…]

rulebook

I need this.. this moment to myself and with myself. . about me right now.. I want to purge. But I feel so much like a bottle thats been shook and shook.. so full its impossible to take the lid off safely. jennifer. jennifer. jennifer The candle above was how she was represented with our extended family this Easter.. My daughter.. A candle. How did this possibly happen? I can’t do this. I really don’t think I am equipped to handle this. Their needs… their baggage so heavy. .. so confusing along with my own. My needs.. my grief.. my own grostesegely scarred heart struggling day to day. How can I care for theirs? I’m not strong enough. I just want to lay down and sleep. Not have to worry about anybody else’s needs but just time to lick my own wounds. Because their hurts just deepen my own. I[…]