Tag: Pain

five mothers days

Numbers. Simple. But they can take on such meaning. 6. I always think of things when it comes to Jennifer like 6’s. But its not always accurate. Because I only got 5 mothers days with her. I remember that first one especially.. the utter joy and lingering disbelief that after so many years of trying to become a mom.. I was actually one, to this particular brown eyed girl. I think on some level I never stopped feeling that gratitude everyday. Even the bad ones.. to get to be a mom.. her mom. their mom. Until February 12th. I really thought there would be nothing harder to face then infertility and repeat miscarriages.. I really thought nothing could ever completely dull that appreciation. But losing Jennifer has done that. damnit I am horrified at the reality and ashamed to admit my truth,  that I woke this morning and felt such a[…]


*** I debated sharing this. I wrote it last week. Its just a snapshot. A time in the midst of my desperate sorrow I was able to write *** my heart. sometimes i wonder if i can take this. i miss her so much so incredibly much more than i ever thought possible. i cry and my body contorts.. forcefully .. against my will. i have no control over it. i wail . i sob. noises i didn’t know i could make coming out of me. i fold from the inside i double over only to throw my body back again. forcefully. silence. pouring out of me. a silence so deep and so dark i am drenched .. soaking wet from my tears and sweat when i miss her like this.. its consuming my hands hurt.. from being clenched so tightly … grinding into my forehead pushing my head backwards[…]