Tag: mothers day

a ocean for mothers day

I think grief is like the ocean. .. Powerful and constant. It comes in and goes out. Sometimes a storm passes and it becomes violent and dark. .. sometimes it is calm and peaceful. But it is always moving, always changing, and you have to keep kicking or you will drown. That can be exhausting.. I don’t want to drown. I don’t want to be pulled too far out from them.. my shore.  I made it through another mothers day..  I woke up to that swollen feeling in my eyes that let me know I was crying in my sleep. My mind is merciful in forgetting  what I was dreaming about.. The day was good. Blemished and bruised but so very beautiful. I am grateful to this blog for that. By digging and releasing I was able to be open to the beauty of the day versus just obsessing on the[…]

forgiveness for mothers day

Another mothers day is coming. .. I dread it. And then I feel so much guilt over that. I still have my amazing mom and I know so many others that don’t. .I am lucky not just to still have a mom.. but to have her be MY mom and my kids Coco. I am a mother to 4 of the most incredible people you could ever hope to meet. They love me. They will want to show me they love me… in simple and often sticky ways. ..but .. the one that made me a mommy. The one that bestowed the most important title on me is missing.  I remember that first year so well. And that first Fathers day. How surreal it was after years of infertility.. 5 losses.. We finally got to celebrate. Tony and I promised each other we would always make a big deal out[…]

five mothers days

Numbers. Simple. But they can take on such meaning. 6. I always think of things when it comes to Jennifer like 6’s. But its not always accurate. Because I only got 5 mothers days with her. I remember that first one especially.. the utter joy and lingering disbelief that after so many years of trying to become a mom.. I was actually one, to this particular brown eyed girl. I think on some level I never stopped feeling that gratitude everyday. Even the bad ones.. to get to be a mom.. her mom. their mom. Until February 12th. I really thought there would be nothing harder to face then infertility and repeat miscarriages.. I really thought nothing could ever completely dull that appreciation. But losing Jennifer has done that. damnit I am horrified at the reality and ashamed to admit my truth,  that I woke this morning and felt such a[…]

many

Today was hard.. at different times for different reasons. This morning I woke with the elephant on my chest… one was missing. Tony and Jonathan got me a gift to symbolize all 4 kids. We ate breakfast together.. Then I felt it coming. .. I asked him to take the boys out while Charlotte napped to get decorations for her birthday. I went to her room… and fell apart. Completely unglued. Talking to her.. praying.. sobbing. Then I washed my face and got ready for them to come home and go for a hike. We walked to the trails right by our house… the ones we had always talked about doing… …later. Today was later… one kid down.  Jonathan and I talked about things.. and I felt so thankful for the 4 people walking with me. We came home and it was nap time for Nicholas. For the first time[…]

worth it

midnight I don’t often put music on when I write but tonight I did… this is playing… now officially mothers day. I wanted to avoid this moment. now I want to avoid sleep. I don’t want to wake up without her. When I pulled out the next size up of girl clothes there was one pair of jammies. .one that was really so Jennifer. I haven’t put Charlotte in them. But tonight after her bath …her bath that didnt wash away the glitter from last night that transferred from me to her… I was drawn to them. I wanted to have Charlotte wearing them in the morning.. waking me .. my 2 girls together.. the only way I can have them both. ever ever again   I grabbed them.. pulled them into my face and breathed them in.. instinctively hoping for the scent of her. Something I have lost.. The smell[…]