Tag: mother losing a daughter

earthquake country

I live in earthquake country.. I always have.. but now its more. Now I exist in it too.. I am always ready.. vigilant for any potential tremors. But that’s what makes them so scary .. you never know when they will hit.. Even when they start.. you just never know how high they will register on the Richter scale.. I already know. As my fingers hit the keyboard I already know .. this might be one of those posts I never publish.. Because I know whats eating at me. .. something I struggle too admit to myself .. let alone out loud.. My jealousy. My heartbreak in the middle of others joy. The birth of my niece. Yes of course seeing a healthy baby… of remembering what it was like to first have my Jennifer placed in my arms.. Of wanting so desperately to go back.. to get those years[…]

counting heads

I think all moms will get this.. but certainly moms of bigger families. We count. 1,2,3,4.. Leaving places.. in the middle of places. . we count to be sure we have all of our little chicks accounted for. I think its automatic, we aren’t even aware its happening.. like a counting program running in the background. But when that number is off all other systems shut down and an alarm sounds. One is missing. That happened all the time after she died. I was still counting for 4.. then when the count was only 3 my heart would race.. my eyes would automatically start darting around. And I would hurt so much that moment later realizing over and over again I was back to only counting for 3. .. I don’t know when I stopped. Part of me can’t believe I stopped.. and I feel guilty that I ever did[…]

please baby please

I have been avoiding writing tonight. I am struggling with blogging.. because right now I am just emotionally exhausted.. I know when I write I am forced to go into it.. I feel the storm brewing and so much of me wants to run.. and never look back. So I was wasting time on facebook. And I read the update I was so hopeful wasn’t coming about another local girl who was fighting cystic fibrosis.. her parents said goodbye to her tonight. Caley is forever 12 . And somehow it made me want to write.. to be honest with my struggles.. what its like 4 months and a day out. How its still just getting harder and harder. How in the beginning I was so blissfully numb.. how now it feels like daily I am being drug further down into reality. Tony was in a golf tournament today.. now headed to[…]

remember Libby

Tony just took the boys out to go shopping for my birthday which is tomorrow. He doesn’t even bother asking what do I want.. we both know you cant buy the one thing I want. The moment I heard the garage door close I came to her room. .. I hear the sounds of the ocean in here. We never have been able to turn off the sound machine we had playing for her.. Today is so hard.. today I miss her so damn much. I feel so angry. I feel so alone. I just want to lay in her bed.. I want to find something in this house that smells like her. That feels like her. I can’t though .. there is nothing.. there really was nothing.. lice a few weeks before she went on hospice meant everything was washed.. uncontrollable vomiting means it all got washed again.. it[…]