Tag: mommy struggles

our bed.

Her bed. Well it was really our bed. Me and her. We shared some horribly beautiful nights in that bed. At first we borrowed a futon. But a death bed for your six year old isn’t the kind of thing you borrow. We needed a new one. Comfortable enough for her to die in.. big enough for us both to sleep in. How do you pick something like that out? Luckily some friends of our did it for us. They bought it and dropped it off for us. No questions.. just something  they could do to help.. to lessen a burden. I rarely lay in it. It’s so hauntingly empty. But I sit on it. I look at it every morning and every night. Never changed in those hours.. How often I reminded her to make her bed.. Oh how I long to see it messy with her arms and[…]

party

I burnt myself tonight pulling a batch of gluten free cupcakes out of the oven. Cupcakes we baked for a birthday girl that is no longer here. A party that won’t just be filled with all her first grade buddies..Its not even really a birthday party .. its a thank you to all the people that have cared about us over the past year.. We are so very very grateful. I thought it was a good idea.. Now I’m not so sure. I look at the balloons I bought with my 3 littlest.. for the big sister they will eventually outgrow. She loved to decorate the things I baked . They never looked pretty but she was always so very proud .. I will do it with all 3 of her siblings tomorrow. I will give Nicholas his own tray since I know he will stick his fingers in them.[…]

i can’t

I woke up this morning feeling empty. Like the lack of her was completely overwhelming. It was a hard day to be a good mom.. But I tried. I tried and won some and failed some. Tony was gone all day at a football game.. a full day out that he more than deserved.. I don’t know if thats why it hit so hard.. or if it was simply the weather. Gray .. cool… overcast. Did it remind me of February? Of the time right after she died? Or was it just a reminder of this time of last year.. when we first learned our eldest would die? I don’t know how to explain it, it was..  it was a ..  a missing.. a strong constant missing of my baby girl. A want for her. Just to hold her. To know her. To know what she would look like now.[…]