Tag: memories

she was here

I have pulled away from blogging. I have lots of excuses and reasons for it… But I do miss it. The release it gives me.. But especially the connection it gives me to my daughter. jennifer I feel so distant from her right now. So much so I find myself wondering if she was real. If she was ever really here. .. I find myself averting my eyes from her picture. I feel so guilty for it. Like I am denying her.. How much she matters. For the first time yesterday when asked about my kids I didn’t make it obvious she was gone from us. I just answered that I actually had 5 kids and when they asked the ages I only said she was 6.. Nicholas looked up at me and put his hand on my leg. I wonder so much what he was thinking. I presented at[…]

a napkin

**** sometimes I write posts and don’t post them right away. This is one of those written in August**** Trying to prepare for Jonathan to start kindergarten. .It forces answers a lot of questions and fears I have been lucky enough to avoid. But it seems to help a new crop of them bloom. We got out Jennifer’s uniform because its a unisex top and he wants to wear hers. It matters a lot to him. Once alone with these bright blue memories I held them to my face.. desperately trying to find a piece of her to breathe in.. I couldn’t. Tony did find a hair of hers.. We carefully wrapped around the button. I gave him 2 and explained the other 3 we would save for her other younger brother(s) and sister(s). **Bridgette not yet born I didn’t know if he would have 2 little sisters or little brothers.[…]


My daughter. I only know my Jennifer in pictures now. And she changed so much after the above one was taken.. I hardly remember her with chubby cheeks like that… How would she have changed in the nearly two years we lost? It used to be I could look through photos of her and not cry. But now I do nearly every time. I don’t really understand that. How as time goes on the pain gets more precise and sharp. I used to be able to talk about her without fighting the tears.. now I almost always do. The words catching often. .. my thoughts swimming away from what I am saying off to memories.. and a different place. My memories .. the only place I can find her or touch her anymore. And I am scared to allow myself to remember. To close my eyes and touch her in[…]

8th birthday un-party

Her birthday. The second one we have endured since losing her. The anniversary of her terminal diagnosis. DIPG. The same day and the second we have faced without her. A un-party. We escaped with the kids. It seems to be the only way I can even begin to imagine facing these huge milestones. To the beach, a beach house that friends of our family open up to us. I like being somewhere she was. Being able to remember her in one corner. .. or on the stairs or sharing a meal. She was here with us once. Alive and whole. We mostly escaped social media and our phones on the trip. But Tony and I each took a few moments of solitude to escape into the digital world. We saw post after post about our daughter. About moments and memories people made with their children .. because knowing a family[…]


My mind wanders.. a lot. I have always been a big day dreamer. Its actually one of the reasons I have always enjoyed working out. Its a time to just let my mind and imagination run free. But right now .. even though our california weather is not very fall like I seem to remember. .. I am fighting my day dreams now.. I am finding myself crying nursing Bridgette in the middle of the night when I can’t escape my mind. .. memories. They are flooding me right now much more often.. Of her being sick. Of her treatments. Its hard to get a grip on them… They seem to move through me so quickly.. Like snippets of videos of her. I hate that. That my memories of her don’t seem real right now, they just feel like … like I’m watching her not through my own eyes but[…]


Jennifer loved camping. I am so glad we went when we did. We really thought about canceling. Because it was the month before I was due with our 4th.. and well after all we could always do it later. As it turned out no we couldn’t since she would be diagnosed and killed by cancer 10 months after that trip. I will forever be grateful we took that trip. This past weekend we went again. We also went last year. But I was numb still I think. The finality of her death simply had not sunk in yet. This year though. .. it was very real. I kept wanting to think of ways to cancel the trip. Because I just simply didn’t want to go without her. Nicholas asked if we could take a rock to sissy before we went. So while Tony and Jonathan packed the car we went[…]

jennifer lynn kranz

I am so grateful for pictures. I feel like without them I am losing her. Like she becomes a figment of my imagination. A almost mythical creature that I make up who she is. But then I get lost in pictures and I remember. .. Her. Jennifer. My daughter. I have worried since the day she died I wouldn’t ever remember her healthy. I still struggle with that .. a lot. But now I worry I will forget her. The real her. That she will become just a memory to me.. A twisted incorrect version of who she really was. That’s horrible. Its something I never want to admit to myself let alone out loud. But its the truth. It is a fear of mine that makes me feel like a terrible mom to her.. Which is strange because in so many ways her memory right now consumes me.. Even[…]

just a glimpse

Today I was driving, just a few minutes without the kids in the car and my mind escapes me. I drove past the cemetery and as I always do I turn my head.. to try to take a peek at my daughter. But today it hit me.. how incredibly wrong that is. That this isn’t the glimpse of Jennifer I should be trying to get. I should drive past her school or her camp to steal a look at her. I remember doing it those few weeks she was at a real school… driving past or parking early before school gets out. Just trying to see her without me there. How foreign I thought that was, to have her be apart from me for so many hours in a day. To not know if kids were being nice to her.. if she was hungry or sad.. What I wouldn’t give for[…]

My no into yes

Its pretty amazing how one moment can trigger one memory.. that then triggers a landslide of them. I was at the CVS pharmacy waiting to pick up my prescription. I moved to the side where the toy aisles are and I remembered being on a phone call there.. standing right in that very spot. So incredibly mad. I was talking to a hospice nurse.. right when Jennfier was going to be getting on service begging for one seemingly simple answer. How can long can a little girl live with no food and barely any liquid. And I couldn’t get a answer. I was nearly yelling.. just tell me a number. How can you not give me a number?!?! Now I know why.. because there really isn’t one. They can last so much longer than you would ever even imagine. Jennifer was over 23 more days. .. I was so mad[…]


Everyday brings something a little different for us. But it seems like every day is blanketed in sorrow.. like it blocks the sunshine from really penetrating. This weekend we took down most of the decorations out front of the house. Some of them were wrapped around the trees and bushes and for just a moment I smiled.. thinking how I would be doing this for her again one day when our house gets “T.Ped” because of her.. or when its decorated from a boy asking her to prom. Two whole separate thoughts.. my mind had time for two daydreams before.. truth. death. reality. A year out and I still forget .. I still can immediately go to the hope and the joy that was supposed to come with raising her to adulthood. I think I like it. I will be sad when I don’t. Because right now her life is[…]

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