Tag: marriage and child loss

his summer – my fall

I think maybe I am starting to find my groove. Find my way in this new life of mine.. Figuring out a way to carry myself through the difficult times. My body ..  my heart know what is coming and I think I am unintentionally filling my tank.. and my reserves .. Because I find myself starting to brace against the time that I know is coming. ..In my horizon is her birthday.. The day we finally became parents.. the day we learned we would without a doubt lose the child that gifted us that title. A deep internal gritting and grinding.. A fear and a slow burn starting to churn away.. Because ready or not its coming.. but because of those shadows looming in the distance I also see the light. .. The literal light .. sunlight coming through the trees. I am aware of the warmth of the[…]

hiding

This time of year when I will constantly make.. and then break plans. Where I will commit over and over again to being a better mom, to take them out more and do more… Commit to being a better friend.. And then I won’t be. I will find any reason and excuse to cancel plans. And I feel terribly about it. But I can’t seem to stop. Every night I tell myself I won’t do it. I won’t cancel. .. And sometimes I don’t.. but more often than not I do. . I hate it and I wish I could change it.. Because I get scared. .. that at some point it will be enough is enough.. That the “my daughter died” excuse of life will just become old and tired..  That my children and my husband will be impacted because of the way I cope with my grief .. especially[…]