Tag: make a wish

cool kids table

I’m jealous. Of things I never ever would have imagined feeling jealousy over. But cancer has changed me. Losing my daughter has changed me. I see the bonds other cancer families have created through time spent wandering the halls of the hospital and I want that. When I see them getting together.. those surviving and those still fighting a feel like I am walking around the school cafeteria with a tray in my hand.. with only one table to sit at. Most of the tables filled with parents who haven’t carried a cancer diagnosis and they look away and down when I walk close.. Truth is.. even when welcomed I can’t seem to figure out how to lay my tray down and sit anyways. The table is too smooth too shiny .. I see another one and a part of me longs so desperately to sit there too.. Kids that[…]

the 23rd -12th-

12th. I am supposed to be working right now. I have a follow up presentation at Genetech to prepare for next week. January 12th. Kids are at school and at my moms so I can write it in a solid block of time and get myself prepared. Its a big deal presentation. 1 month until THE 12th. .. ..again.. But I can’t concentrate. Its gnawing away at me. The time that I know is looming and coming too quick.. but also too slow. Because it feels like forever since I held her last. And its only been 23 months.. How will I last the rest of my life?? ..how the fuck will I last the rest of my life???? A year ago we were all packed up for our make a wish trip. Unsure what to expect but so excited for the adventure. Right before we left though.. the first[…]

my heaven

Sometimes memories surprise me.. coming out of nowhere.. and sometimes they haunt me and I cannot let them go. The other day I was driving to the post office, I realized I was on the drive I took daily to take her to kindergarten. . I used to go straight at the corner to get to her school… this time though I turned right to get to the post office to open a po box for a company I never wanted to start. Its right across the street from where her remains are now.. Just waiting for us to get her to bury her. I imagined running across the street and barreling through the door.. screaming her name. I thought a lot about her Make A Wish trip and the guilt I have attached to it. How I feel like maybe she would have chosen something different. I helped them[…]