Tag: lessons from child loss

18 months gone

18 months. I simply can’t believe it. officially a year and half since I have touched you.. since i have felt your warm breath in my face. 18 months since i have seen a new goofy pose for the camera.. I am still in shock over how badly it hurts. Over how much I notice the hole. I think I somehow thought by now I would be more adjusted to this new normal. But I am not. I get asked all the time at the end of this pregnancy if I am hoping for another girl.. if I am ready for a 4th. I smile and say its our 5th we have another daughter. Rarely do people follow up with another question. Yesterday a woman did.. Handing out a sample to my kids at Costco she asked where the other girl was. I told her she was in heaven. She didn’t[…]

please baby please

I have been avoiding writing tonight. I am struggling with blogging.. because right now I am just emotionally exhausted.. I know when I write I am forced to go into it.. I feel the storm brewing and so much of me wants to run.. and never look back. So I was wasting time on facebook. And I read the update I was so hopeful wasn’t coming about another local girl who was fighting cystic fibrosis.. her parents said goodbye to her tonight. Caley is forever 12 . And somehow it made me want to write.. to be honest with my struggles.. what its like 4 months and a day out. How its still just getting harder and harder. How in the beginning I was so blissfully numb.. how now it feels like daily I am being drug further down into reality. Tony was in a golf tournament today.. now headed to[…]

she is gone

Maybe I shouldn’t read other bereaved mom blogs. I can’t help but compare. Wonder what is wrong with me. In some ways it actually scares me..How they seem to be able to find comfort in the pain.. while I am .. Utterly. Completely. Shattered. She is gone. That was the sound track of me today. Today her class was promoted from kinder to first grade. I went with the kids. I am glad I did. But oh boy.. did it wreck me. I  found myself remembering back to her first day. How nervous she was.. and sad I was. Ha “sad”.. what a fool I was to think I had a clue. Its like every definition of every word I knew changed February 12th. So when Jonathan goes it will be “sad” .. I hope I can let some of that go.. not feel like I always have to clarify[…]