Tag: keeping memory alive

clap

Music moves me…music permeated today… this song is the theme song for the first half of today… 2 months come… and gone.. This morning was really hard for me. We drove to Monterey… to be near the ocean and eat breakfast at a little place we really enjoy. Last time we were there was about a year ago on our “baby moon” right before baby Charlotte was born. …she turned 11 months today. Next month she turns 1… I really thought Jennifer would be here for that. I honestly never expected her to not make it to May. At our breakfast spot they have live music. The guy today was amazing…I got his card..  The song choices blew my mind, I cried at the table.. a lot. The hardest I have ever cried in public. I think its hard for Tony to see me like that… openly vulnerable.. to know how[…]

confusion

  I confuse myself. I was watching a show with the teenager getting teased. I had already worked myself into a frenzy about that happening to Jennifer when she started kindergarten. I was so worried about not being there for her so many hours a day. What I wouldn’t give for that now. To be able to deal with her school troubles…and hurt feelings. I tell myself how I would appreciate it. ..I wouldn’t though. I don’t for my other kids. I found myself later in the evening worrying about my boys getting teased in school. What their issues might be. Then I realized what a hypocrite that makes me. The past summer. Right before she was diagnosed..I said and thought quite often that it was my perfect time. 4 kids home with me. 5,3,1 and a newborn. I would have frozen that time if I could have. I had[…]