Tag: keeping memory alive

branches of life

A few months ago we were looking into changing our insurance coverage.. Speaking with our advisor he introduced us to something called “human life value”. In simple terms .. “A way of deciding how much life insurance an individual may need. The person’s income, expenses, and years remaining in the workplace are considered”. I thought there is a blog in that.. emotion to be explored.. over all that we lost. But  the thoughts just sat.. and waited.. Until they recently resurged at my sisters 50th birthday celebration. Watching a video of the years of her life .. the people she has known and loved. The incredible mother, friend and big sister she is. So much like my Jennifer.. . I watched as these pictures flashed and all the people that she has touched. The relationships she cultivated. And the lives she created. Her children are simply incredible people. They are all godparents to one[…]

cool kids table

I’m jealous. Of things I never ever would have imagined feeling jealousy over. But cancer has changed me. Losing my daughter has changed me. I see the bonds other cancer families have created through time spent wandering the halls of the hospital and I want that. When I see them getting together.. those surviving and those still fighting a feel like I am walking around the school cafeteria with a tray in my hand.. with only one table to sit at. Most of the tables filled with parents who haven’t carried a cancer diagnosis and they look away and down when I walk close.. Truth is.. even when welcomed I can’t seem to figure out how to lay my tray down and sit anyways. The table is too smooth too shiny .. I see another one and a part of me longs so desperately to sit there too.. Kids that[…]

lets go!

I keep thinking I’ve done a good enough job explaining death and heaven… the permanency of it all to them. But its still just too hard of a concept for them to get I think.. I guess in all reality its too hard for me to really get it either.. The other day we were all driving in the car .. home from a day spent with some of our family remembering Jennifer and we heard Charlotte from the back of the car. Just hearing her little voice calling out made me smile remembering earlier in the night.. We watched a video we played at Jennifer’s services. Charlotte had been so cute as we watched the video. She was calling out so excitedly.. so proudly SISSY every time a picture of Jennifer flashed on the screen. I was crying. Big solid silent tears across the room. And she noticed. I[…]

love wasn’t enough..

Christmas is almost here.  A day I counted down to and used to love. Even more after having children then I did even as a child. It was pure magic to get to experience it with them.. I’ve lost that. I’m sad. I miss my daughter. I look at her stocking and hate that I know it won’t be filled with gifts for her. Although we started a tradition last year that we are going to stick with. Santa will bring something to the whole family in honor of Jennifer. So at least her stocking will be taken down and laid out.. even though she won’t be here to run to it. .. Just thinking about it all makes my stomach hurt… and clench .. And the same words tunnel their way through my brain.. Keeping me up. .. but she’s only 6. just barely 6.  And then my brain[…]

memories

My daughter. I only know my Jennifer in pictures now. And she changed so much after the above one was taken.. I hardly remember her with chubby cheeks like that… How would she have changed in the nearly two years we lost? It used to be I could look through photos of her and not cry. But now I do nearly every time. I don’t really understand that. How as time goes on the pain gets more precise and sharp. I used to be able to talk about her without fighting the tears.. now I almost always do. The words catching often. .. my thoughts swimming away from what I am saying off to memories.. and a different place. My memories .. the only place I can find her or touch her anymore. And I am scared to allow myself to remember. To close my eyes and touch her in[…]

evolving

Another holiday looming. ..without her. But its the first year .. so I know people will care. I know they will notice me and try to be extra gentle.. I am thankful for that.. but so fearful for years to come. I think the horrifying truth is hitting me.. Its never going to get better. Never going to get easier. I will just adjust to it. I look at pictures of her in the time when knew she had cancer. How well she just automatically compensated for her weakness on her right side.  I guess I will eventually just do that.be able to function and get through a day without a onslaught of tears. I will be able to learn to live with a huge piece of what make me who I am missing.. but I will forever be compensating. I am starting to feel such a pull inward again..[…]

aftermath of memory

Its amazing how one memory of her has completely rocked me .. not even a complete memory.. just the shape of one piece of her head . . I have been weepy ever since. Just constantly close to tears. . And they seem to come easily. Yesterday was just a much needed *almost* our family day. We all needed that time to be with just us. We all miss her.. in our own ways. Nicholas now insists on putting his shorts on backwards when he does them himself. .. He says thats how they are supposed to go. And since he is not a fan of chonies I cannot see how that is comfortable.JLK used to do the same with her shoes. Completely insistent that they go on the opposite foot. I was worried her feet were going to start growing incorrectly she did it so often and for so[…]

DC

After I wrote last time I set out to get packing.. I found our backpack and looked inside. Just a few things from our last trip, her Make A Wish to DisneyWorld and even though this wasn’t her bag it had her stuff in it. A barely touched magic marker coloring book. I had no idea what to do with it. I didn’t want to throw it away but I also have nowhere to keep it. I already have so much of her stuff saved and it wasn’t like she really colored these pages. I decided to go put it in her backpack in her room. Once I walked in I started sobbing. I just didn’t want to go without her. I had been walking all around the house trying to figure out what to bring of hers on the trip.. to have her with me. Its so hard to[…]

simple acts

I just want to write something about my post from last night I have gotten quite a few comments about it. .. All opinions expressed here are my own.. They may not fit for every bereaved parent.. but I share so that people reading can know what its like.. 2.5 months out in one mama’s head.. I know..I truly appreciate how much people want to help and comfort me… .I know that what is said is only coming from a place of goodness and wanting to help.. I write to sort it out in my own head.. and because it might help others to read my thoughts, to sort their own.. and especially because I know how scary it can be to speak with somebody in my shoes.. hopefully sharing what does and does not work for me will help ease some of those fears.. provide a little bit of a[…]

clap

Music moves me…music permeated today… this song is the theme song for the first half of today… 2 months come… and gone.. This morning was really hard for me. We drove to Monterey… to be near the ocean and eat breakfast at a little place we really enjoy. Last time we were there was about a year ago on our “baby moon” right before baby Charlotte was born. …she turned 11 months today. Next month she turns 1… I really thought Jennifer would be here for that. I honestly never expected her to not make it to May. At our breakfast spot they have live music. The guy today was amazing…I got his card..  The song choices blew my mind, I cried at the table.. a lot. The hardest I have ever cried in public. I think its hard for Tony to see me like that… openly vulnerable.. to know how[…]

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