Tag: jonathan

waiting for the shoe to drop

A common saying I had no idea where it came from .. but its been chasing itself around my head the last few days.. So I had to find out .. according to wiktionary Etymology : A common experience of tenement living in apartment-style housing in New York City, and other large cities, during the manufacturing boom of the late 19th and early 20th centuries. Apartments were built, similar in design, with the bedrooms located directly above and underneath one another. Thus, it was normal to hear a neighbor removing their shoes in the apartment above. As one shoe made a sound hitting the floor, the expectation for the other shoe to make a similar disturbance was created. I was kinda the opposite of this. I honestly was walking around fairly confident in regards to my children there were no other shoes that could drop.. I have been more scared of[…]

full circle

  My head is swimming. I feel like I am in a room without a vacuum. Like I am trapped behind glass and I can’t get back to the real world. Because today I was terrified I was going to come full circle. Jonathan. He just started kinder and just turned 6. Jennifer. She started kinder and then her eyes started to change. One started turning inward. Subtle at first I though she was doing it on purpose. His eyes are changing now too. He just turned 6. He just started kindergarten. I tried to avoid noticing. Tried to pretend it wasn’t happening. But it is. Tony and I never talked about it. Other than me telling him not to get mad at him for it. Not to scold him since I knew for sure it was out of Jonathan’s control. But last night in the middle of the night[…]

Connecting

I think she is connecting us. A week or so ago (I have no grip on time right now) I was lamenting in the kitchen how Jennifer never got to try coffee.. she sent me sign which I thanked her for immediately. I don’t think it really sunk in though. A few days later doing the same thing.. thinking abut all the things she would never get to do while making my coffee Jonathan spoke up. “Remember when you let me and Jennifer have some of the top stuff aka foam” I did… She got to try coffee! A few days ago I mentioned picnics in their room. They, Jonathan in particular,  know about the non profit.. they know that not all kids die from cancer and our goal is to make it so less children die. They know pediatric is fancy for kid. But we don’t talk about my blog. I don’t[…]

friends

 ***Write down the time. Seriously right now look at the clock and write it down. **** This blog is my lifeline. My connection to her. Its been a wonderful way to keep her alive for me. At night I pour over videos ABCs and pictures of her. Getting to re-live our lives with her over and over again… I look through them until the right one pops up for my writing. It takes a lot of time.. not the writing. The looking through the pictures..the memories. Of her. Of my kids together. hearts beating. The relationship I feel with her through this.. .it keeps me going. .it allows me to forget .. . another day has passed without her… since late at night. ..     I get her again.   I think this connection I still have with her is what allows me to function.. to keep on going… to[…]

confusion

  I confuse myself. I was watching a show with the teenager getting teased. I had already worked myself into a frenzy about that happening to Jennifer when she started kindergarten. I was so worried about not being there for her so many hours a day. What I wouldn’t give for that now. To be able to deal with her school troubles…and hurt feelings. I tell myself how I would appreciate it. ..I wouldn’t though. I don’t for my other kids. I found myself later in the evening worrying about my boys getting teased in school. What their issues might be. Then I realized what a hypocrite that makes me. The past summer. Right before she was diagnosed..I said and thought quite often that it was my perfect time. 4 kids home with me. 5,3,1 and a newborn. I would have frozen that time if I could have. I had[…]

day after

My thoughts are jumbled.I am so tired.. circling the drain… Milk in the pantry cereal in the fridge kinda day. Yesterday just totally drained and exhausted me. .. .dehydrated me. I could have stayed in bed all day. But I know thats not fair to Tony or the kids. I got up and realized I hadn’t yet opened the package I got from Amazon the day before… so while trying to seem happy with the kids I did…I shouldn’t have. It was Frozen. I had pre-ordered it for Jennifer. .. and me. We were supposed to snuggle and watch it. It was going to be a great surprise for her.. I thought I had cancelled it. .Those sudden things that knock me over are hard. A friend came over today. Her boy ran and played with ours. That made me happy. Apparently Jonathan met them at the car. No hi[…]

Glittery knowledge

Music. Today was a day of music and songs. Both things important to Jennifer. She made up her own songs and she loved to sing along with ones we were listening to. We have been continuing the sticker charts for the boys. Even though last night wasn’t a stellar performance we took them out for breakfast this morning since they had already filled theirs up. We didn’t give them any for last night (but we didn’t point that out either) we felt like showing them the reward for earning a “going to bed” sticker will be a good motivation. We went to Black Bear… the same place Tony and I went to the day I broke down in the parking lot.  We took my car. The first time since she died we have all been in it. Jonathan didn’t want to.. well .. because daddy’s car can go faster… Buckled in he[…]