Tag: heaven

still brave

As yet another 12th comes closer I start to think about her death constantly. About what I was doing and feeling on February 9th. Remember with me..  That ring.. I remember that day. My friend coming to get it to try to save it for me.. How I hated having it off for a few hours. I love it so much. Its more precious to me than any other piece of jewelry I have ever owned. There are a lot of memorial tattoos ideas I am marinating on.. But that ring marked on me forever is for sure happening. I don’t often re-read my blogs. But I am glad I did with that one.. because it reminds me of who she was. The silly spunky way she would ask for the ring back. . and then give it to me over .. How happy she was to see me wearing[…]

her silence..

I wonder a lot what I look like to others. You see me and talk to me and I seem relatively normal. I am not. I wonder if people think I am begin over dramatic with my writing. I am not. What I write is my truth. I don’t even understand it. I don’t understand how its getting harder and harder every day. Every free moment I get I cry right now. When I go to the bathroom I take those few minutes and I cry. Big silent tears. I know there was a article going around Facebook about tears for different reasons looked at under a microscope having different physical properties. I am not at all surprised by it.. and it helps me feel a little less crazy. Right now my tears are bigger than normal.. and heavier too. And when I cry.. they just fall.. one right after[…]

rear view mirror

I don’t want to write tonight.. I don’t want to go there.. here. To remember where I was 4 months ago tonight. Steeling myself for the something so strong .. it dissolves steel. It started to hit this morning.. driving to a friends house I cried silent.. tears… but since then I have run from the truth that haunts me .. I cried angry tears and sad tears.. Relay for life is soon to happen in my town. Driving I saw the purple ribbons everywhere.. I wish I had no connection to it…I wish it didn’t impact me like it does. It made me feel stupid looking at them. . How I had been tricked into thinking that the money raised was for all cancers.. pediatric and adult when in reality it is unproprtionaly split towards adult cancer. 1 cent of every dollar goes towards pediatrics (PAC2) A worthy organization[…]

winning

Rarely do I type and erase.. but tonight I have been .. I’m not sure what exactly is holding me back.. I guess mostly fear of being judged.. or misunderstood. But as I start to think about the words that want to come.. I cry.. so I will share my truth. Sometimes its hard to accept the good being done for us… since it means the worst has happened to us. And I just don’t want it to be true. I shared on friday that Wes from Coast Range wore a Unravel / love 4 jlk shirt the first day of the CrossFit games. It meant a lot to me..At first it was mostly just excited and touched .. but then it hit me yesterday.. The why. The why of all of this .. because my daughter is dead. and I am so sad. I don’t want it.. I would[…]

my daughter

I am reaching for her. Always so desperate to try to connect to her. Its been a slow build over the past few days to the point of all consuming… My boys really wanted a party for Charlotte. So we threw something together last minute for her on Friday, a few days after her birthday. We still had our gluten free cupcakes for her actual birthday so we went outside to sing and eat them… since they crumble more than glutenful cupcakes.. We lit her candle, it blew out and as we sang it blew out again.. then it hit me. Out loud I said good job Jennifer.. and it stayed lit. .. was it really her? I choke on that hope.. That she was there. Present enough to be experiencing it with us. close enough to blow out her baby sisters candles.. right now I look out onto the[…]

worth it

midnight I don’t often put music on when I write but tonight I did… this is playing… now officially mothers day. I wanted to avoid this moment. now I want to avoid sleep. I don’t want to wake up without her. When I pulled out the next size up of girl clothes there was one pair of jammies. .one that was really so Jennifer. I haven’t put Charlotte in them. But tonight after her bath …her bath that didnt wash away the glitter from last night that transferred from me to her… I was drawn to them. I wanted to have Charlotte wearing them in the morning.. waking me .. my 2 girls together.. the only way I can have them both. ever ever again   I grabbed them.. pulled them into my face and breathed them in.. instinctively hoping for the scent of her. Something I have lost.. The smell[…]

happiness

We all miss her. At different times in different ways.. but there is a constant current ..i miss her… flowing through our household. Yesterday i saw the first offering from baby Charlotte in Jennifer’s room. One of her lovies. 4th kid I finally got smart and bought a bunch of the blanket animal she was becoming attached to. I found one on the floor of Jennifer’s room.. at the foot of her bed… right where the boys leave there things for her. I leave the stuff there for a few days and then put it away. Nobody complains and they all seem to respect each other.. so far only one offering at at time.. I walk by her room many many times during a day. I don’t go in it often. If I am writing something I will be sharing publicly I always do it in there.. not my blog[…]

vacation

Vacation time… . . . something I should be so happy about and grateful for.. There are certainly parts of it I am. The people that have opened up their vacation home to us…I am grateful for generous people.. That I have 3 living and healthy (I hope…I think) children.. immensely grateful.. but also full of longing for the 1 that’s missing.. the one that will always be missing.. I write it.. but I still don’t believe it. Downloading the hundreds of pictures from this trip I noticed all the ways we carried her with us. .. . like this one with  baby Charlotte snuggled under Jennifer’s blanket.. and I think.. I cannot wait to show her.. Then I just take a deep breath..close my eyes and wait. Reality hits.. ..hits so hard I nearly fall out of my seat. Reality sucks. The night before we left for the beach[…]

questions?

Just watched her services for the first time. Just me and her pinkie and nigh nigh. .. . kinda feel like I was in a boxing match. .. .i lost. Badly. I feel a weight on my shoulders.. pushing my down. So heavy. I thought it would start to get lighter? . .. its not. Its getting heavier. I smile. I laugh. I talk. It all seems fine. Its not. I am so broken. How is it that I hurt so much more now than I did a month ago? I watched her in that video and so violently wanted to touch her again . Even the sick her. Even as she struggled to hold on. I would take that her back in a heartbeat…even just for a heartbeat I would choose to end my suffering over hers. Oh my god..how horrible am I? I am supposed to be happy[…]