Tag: frozen

honor her

Its kid time for us right now. Time we had planned to celebrate all the great things about their sister and about them. To show them in actionable and tangible ways how much they all mean to us. …but you know how the best laid plans always seem to turn out.. Rain. Sickness .. The first day went ok. Tony went into work for just a half day. While he was gone the kids and I wanted to watch video of Jennifer. But I struggled to find any. They got frustrated. I did too. Just a thing they wanted.. memories of her moving. singing. talking. With them. But I couldn’t provide it right away. Eventually I found some. We watched her learn to swim.. we watched her swim by herself and we watched her pretend to swim for a gold medal she had made for herself during the summer olympics.[…]

5 minutes later

** I wrote this last week .. but never actually shared it.. I can’t remember why now! **   I need to write.. I want to write but something keeps stopping me. Like I am just scared to let all that is bubbling inside of me out. This weekend was a lot. A lot. It started out with her party.. Saturday morning we finished up decorating the cupcakes and then it was time to go. To get in the car for a thank you to our community and all the people that cared about our family . . and a chance to celebrate with them and our friends this spectacular girl of ours. But I was scared to go.. about how hard this might really be. Was it the right choice for me and Tony.. the right choice for our kids. I make none of the decisions lightly.. but that[…]

camping

Sometimes the empty is so consuming, sometimes the reality that she is gone slaps me. Sometimes my ache for her is more subtle.. and another persons wound more crucial to attend to. This weekend was a bit of both. We went camping… without her… well without all of her. I had the keepsake of her remains with me. We stayed at the same place with the same people we went with last year. Because it was supposed to be a yearly tradtion.. it mattered a lot to Jennifer then and now to Tony. We really believed we would get one more trip in.. I was 8 months pregnant then, we almost didn’t go because of that, figured we could go this year. I am so thankful we went since so much changed in such a short amount of time. As we were checking in we got a flier for a[…]

so much

I came home yesterday to a clean house.. boys happily playing at their coco and papas and a meal on the table. Oh how I love this man. But the thing I noticed first was baby Charlotte in her frozen sisters dress turned shirt. I had them made.. one for each of my daughters. As I walked back to my room after putting baby Charlotte to bed I noticed a gift in Jennifers room. A gift bag full of things with tissue paper at the top. I asked Tony about it and he told me Jonathan has decided on the way home from the vacation that he wanted to give sissy and daddy gifts.. so he did.. oh how I love this boy. so much like his daddy. I often wonder about his little mind.. what is going on inside of it. My final day of the Tahoe trip I[…]

nano course

I was invited to this thing called a nano course here at Stanford. Its a small invite only week long conference. The basic idea is to train some parents/foundation people to be liaisons for the medical community. What that means is much of what I was taught went over my head!! Some easy take aways I can share now ..  A lot of the stuff we learned wasn’t specific to childhood cancer.. but translated to all cancers. Like a 3D gel that can mimic tissue better than other mediums. .. a big step up from a petri dish, but more accessible than a animal model. The head of that lab was so jazzed and into it. It was pretty remarkable to see. That leads me to my next easy take away. There are so many cogs in this machine. We heard from multiple different heads of labs. That are all[…]

Glittery knowledge

Music. Today was a day of music and songs. Both things important to Jennifer. She made up her own songs and she loved to sing along with ones we were listening to. We have been continuing the sticker charts for the boys. Even though last night wasn’t a stellar performance we took them out for breakfast this morning since they had already filled theirs up. We didn’t give them any for last night (but we didn’t point that out either) we felt like showing them the reward for earning a “going to bed” sticker will be a good motivation. We went to Black Bear… the same place Tony and I went to the day I broke down in the parking lot.  We took my car. The first time since she died we have all been in it. Jonathan didn’t want to.. well .. because daddy’s car can go faster… Buckled in he[…]