Tag: Disney World

the 23rd -12th-

12th. I am supposed to be working right now. I have a follow up presentation at Genetech to prepare for next week. January 12th. Kids are at school and at my moms so I can write it in a solid block of time and get myself prepared. Its a big deal presentation. 1 month until THE 12th. .. ..again.. But I can’t concentrate. Its gnawing away at me. The time that I know is looming and coming too quick.. but also too slow. Because it feels like forever since I held her last. And its only been 23 months.. How will I last the rest of my life?? ..how the fuck will I last the rest of my life???? A year ago we were all packed up for our make a wish trip. Unsure what to expect but so excited for the adventure. Right before we left though.. the first[…]

butterfly

Today was almost all family time..made a immensely helpful phone call on the way home with a woman a long ago friend connected me with.. its amazing what just asking for help can turn up.. Since it was Tony’s last day off of work with the modified schedule, I told him to decide what sounded like fun. He said the San Francisco zoo.. we didn’t get to see the whole thing last time. It was a great choice. It gave us time to be away.. with cooler weather and do some forced nap time for the kiddos. I took Jennifer to the Oakland zoo once when I was pregnant with Jonathan. . so I feel a tinge of guilt over never taking her to this zoo.. Walking out I noticed a sign about donors.. I have never really looked at those kinds of things before. .. and I thought  […]

I do now

I am so tired tonight.. just feeling drained and gutted.. angry.. weak.. tired. Its the mundane day to day that’s doing it to me. I miss her. More and more each and every day. How is that even possible? Every night I go to bed thinking its got to get better… this has to be the hardest. its never been. Every day is harder. And its really scary. I never understood how life could be so hard or so big that somebody would want to give up. I do now. Every single breath I take hurts. Fills my lungs with an ache.. that can never be eased. I think in 10 yrs it will be holidays and anniversaries that are so hard.. I will somehow adjust to this new life without her. But now… today.. yesterday.. and I can only assume tomorrow .. the day to day rips into me..[…]