Tag: dandelion

follow the signs

The tears are close right now.. Seemingly just below the surface and that really surprises me. But I feel like my strength is also. .. Because I am feeling her again. Its like she knows when I need her the most. Jennifer guides me.. when I allow her to. I am finding that when I just go with things.. that she sends me signs to say she agrees.. And somehow I know its her. It’s been something that has bonded me not just with her.. but also with Jonathan in particular since he always seemed to have that easy and strong belief that it was her way of connecting to us.. He struggles with that a lot lately. Trying to explain the logic of what happens. Wanting the sign to be so obvious that there is no room for doubt. It has bothered me lately hearing that coming out of her[…]

family pictures

I love pictures..I have always tried to take a lot of the kids. Its a struggle now.. Because there is always a piece missing. And I notice it when I look through the lens of my camera. Always when a new family member joins us we take pro pictures. I don’t know that I can this time. How can we ever do it again? I will never ever have a family picture. One of my friends mentioned the other day how happy her grandma was to get a picture with her whole family at a cousins graduation.. I will never have that. A seemingly insignificant loss in the grand scheme of life.. but it hurts.. a lot. It feels like a cruel form of torture. It really hit me recently.. with the creation of this new life growing we lost the few family pictures we had. . We thought about[…]

finding love in Seattle

I was lucky enough to be invited to go to Seattle to speak at a fundraising event for Dr. Olsen. One of our best friends and a member of our board, Renee came with me. I was happy not to go alone! We arrived at noon and jumped right into business. But first we ate.. in the cafeteria there.. I couldn’t help but have my mind wander just a bit then.. to all the meals I shared with Jennifer in the cafeteria at Stanford. How we struggled to find gluten free food that was safe for her.. how all she wanted was eggs and french toast. How happy she was to finally get it. Simple things I remembered. Simple things I am constantly remembering and lamenting lately. We got to tour and speak with 2 different labs at Fred Hutch. We learned about their successes and struggles and most importantly what[…]

broken road

We were done. We were totally sure we were done with that pregnancy. Its part of why I especially hoped that baby would be a girl. I really appreciate having a sister and I wanted that for Jennifer. I will never every forget her coming to my bed at the hospital and meeting her baby sister for the first time. The way she ran over while the boys entered sheepishly. Came straight to me and asked “is it a girl mommy? is it Charlotte? Is is my sister? This is the first time she held her.. I love the way she looks down at her with such love.. such pride.. And a contentment. I remember the swell of love and pride I felt getting to tell her yes. She has a sister now. My bookend girls. Exactly perfect. She helped me with Charlotte right away. Real help. Pretty much everybody[…]

bittersweet

I’ve been hoping to talk to another particular cancer mom for awhile now. She is somebody who also writes and I have been told since the beginning I should reach out to.. but it took me time to be ready for that. Then we decided we were open to another baby. I knew it was time. We got the chance to speak today. Briefly and un-smoothly.. because as much as I desperately needed this conversation. To talk to somebody that understands the one word that truly describes this pregnancy.. my kids had other needs. I never figured out what they were but they were all 3 yelling and fighting .. My apologies to Maya.. but I hope we can speak again. I don’t know whats going on but Jonathan’s struggle is intense right now. Its taken leaps forward. I had a solo counseling session with our grief/marriage counselor this week[…]

answers

I woke up feeling like I was hit by a truck… weighted down and sluggish. Shoulda just stopped there.. but I didn’t..I went for a run. It was a crappy run.Oh and full disclosure since I hope to see so many of you at the 5k in May…I use the term run very loosely.. its more like a clumsy jog even on a good day! Then we loaded up to go to my nephews birthday party at Chucky E Cheese.. There was a bar next door to it.. Shoulda just gone in there.. I couldn’t handle being there. My sister had Charlotte and Tony was with the boys somewhere so I walked out and texted him that I needed to go for walk. I felt totally overwhelmed…this feeling like I wasn’t fitting properly in my own body.. like wearing a flip flop on the wrong foot. I wish I could[…]