Tag: couples grieving differently

his summer – my fall

I think maybe I am starting to find my groove. Find my way in this new life of mine.. Figuring out a way to carry myself through the difficult times. My body ..  my heart know what is coming and I think I am unintentionally filling my tank.. and my reserves .. Because I find myself starting to brace against the time that I know is coming. ..In my horizon is her birthday.. The day we finally became parents.. the day we learned we would without a doubt lose the child that gifted us that title. A deep internal gritting and grinding.. A fear and a slow burn starting to churn away.. Because ready or not its coming.. but because of those shadows looming in the distance I also see the light. .. The literal light .. sunlight coming through the trees. I am aware of the warmth of the[…]

spoken in silence

I miss you Jennifer.  I wish I had something more.. something deeper and more profound to say. Words fail me though. . Because I constantly miss her.. Its always there.. sometimes just a subtle current. But not always.. it scares me how quickly the tide can rise up and drown me in my own sorrow.. .. I mean I get it.. I think if I was an outsider looking in I would get it.. Its my daughter.. My child. I can cognitively understand that it will never really get better.. But it scares me still, the times that I can feel it slowly building and growing power.. Or times that it just swells up suddenly.. How easily I can still succumb to the simple yet echoingly deep grief. How I can look up at her picture and yearn.. so incredibly. .. to just follow her into the light.. I imagine[…]

..because life keeps happening..

It’s coming. I can feel. Even if I didn’t know it. Even if I didn’t remember it I can feel it. physical .. unrelenting.. grief.. A heaviness in my chest. A strain on my back. Ears always ringing.. just a bit. Heart beating faster and harder. Eyes stinging.. always on the verge of emptying. Another year. .. because life keeps happening. Why couldn’t I save her? Why couldn’t I relieve her pain? Stop her suffering? did i at all baby? was it ever not excruciating? This year is so different though. I knew exactly what I wanted to do. What made sense for all of us and I was able to make it happen. There was freedom in that. Freedom. Strength. Comfort in having a plan that felt right But not this year. This year its all up in the air. And nothing not a damned thing feels right. ..because[…]