Tag: coping with child loss

with the patience of eternity

I know I need to write.. But Im scared to. But then again Im scared not to. I find myself aching for her.. I find myself wanting to hide and just be with my kids.. (and husband) shutting out the rest of the world. I am strong. I am the second strongest person I know. I am broken. I am the most broken person I know. I am crying constantly it seems.. just a tear.. maybe two.. Then it dries up. My pain burrows deep and hides itself away.. I freeze. I sat down now to work on our speeches for upcoming Night on the Town in Sacramento.. I started to pull up pictures for Tonys presentation.. and I felt that familiar buzz… a weight on my chest.. forcing all the air out of my body. an invisible noose tightening quickly around my throat. ..  I exhale.. and its gone.[…]

do you get counseling..

I decided to blog about some FAQs and comments that I get..In particular I notice that as time goes on I get more judgmental themed comments on the blog. Im ok with that.. I have a thickish skin. .. But i’d be lying if I said it wasn’t part of the reason I blog publicly less .. I still need the release I get from writing.. but it does make me more hesitant to share.. I am realizing more and more how misunderstood the way I am choosing to do this whole grief thing is.. So I figured why not tackle a few of those constants.. or the ones that have bugged me the most. ** “Do you get counseling, you need counseling**”. I try to explain it this way. One. I need lots of counseling, A “ish-ton” one might say. So I get it in a mulititue of ways.[…]

my friend Grief

Its February. Its here. This month that fills me with such dread.. Its here. And with her she brings my old friend.. Grief. True. Utter. Grief. Grief that hollows me out. This friend.  The one I can’t remember not knowing, yet somewhere along the line, I was able to put in some separation.. Able to call on her .. versus her calling on me.. With this month that friend is back. Holding my hands .. matching my every step. I feel like I am being slowly pushed towards an invisible line and everything in me is fighting against it.. I’m losing though. . Ive always lost to February. I find myself constantly crying. Every time I get in the car .. Even those times my mind feels blank or preoccupied .. the moment the door closes I feel that familiar prick and sting in my eyes.. Grief. She grabs my[…]

live again

I set up a get together with other local bereaved moms.. It was a great experience for me and I hope for them also. I was there with a table full of woman who all wish we didn’t have a seat.. We came to the table for different reasons.. sons and daughters.. cancer and accidents and a multitude of other medical causes .. we all took our seats at this table at different times. I took my seat more recently than some.. but earlier than others. So I feel like I had a unique view.. one of what the future may hold.. and one of what my past did. And I realized I have been … well there really is no word for it.. Just like there is no word for a parent that has lost a child I think there is no word for a parent that is ..[…]

my grief

  Control. I thrive when I feel like I am in control of my emotions. Its why I am able to speak so openly in public about our journey. .. because I know its coming. Because its on my terms. Surprise. I do not do well with the surprise grief attacks. When it comes and attacks me unexpectedly. I try to always be prepared. Never really relaxed with other people around.. Vigilant against the potential for attack. That’s not life though is it? I especially hate that the surprise hooks of grief seem to grab onto me at the worst possible times.. Surrounded by people .. when I should be anything but sad. When I should be celebrating somebody else .. It’s a piece of this whole life long journey I felt so unprepared for. The guilt and shame that seems to come with the sometimes overwhelming and dark emotions[…]