Tag: connection with dead child

dreams vs nightmares

I am a jumble of stuff.. of emotions.. of thoughts.. Today I said to a friend “…taking care of 4 young kids.. ” then I stopped myself. I had to brace myself. Grip the edge of the kitchen counter to keep from doing what I wanted to do.. what my body was trying to do. crumble And then my friend said “you are. You are completely still a mom of 4 young kids.” And so we talked about it. How in so many ways my mind and heart are overcome with her more now than they were when she was alive. I fear sleep now. I had my second dream of her that I remember. .. dream.. i wish I so desperately want her to come to me in my dreams. But not like this.. I want her freed from the nightmare images. I want her different than the ones I can’t erase[…]

Fluttering means to me…

I am thinking about the fluttering fundraiser a lot lately. Read about it here. I am feel like its such a perfect representation of what we want Unravel to do/be. It raises awareness and funds and its something kids can help with. My personal goal is to do it 25 out of 30 days.. I know me.. I know our lives and I am sure there will be days I can’t do the moving and new set up. So if thats a concern for you too.. Just know, if you do 25 different houses over the month (and they all choose to give you a address to send the dragonflies for the 25.00 donation) then you have the capability to make a 625 .00 donation at the end of the month to Unravel, specifically to Jennifer’s fund at Stanford and the drs that have her tumor. And you will have[…]

Connecting

I think she is connecting us. A week or so ago (I have no grip on time right now) I was lamenting in the kitchen how Jennifer never got to try coffee.. she sent me sign which I thanked her for immediately. I don’t think it really sunk in though. A few days later doing the same thing.. thinking abut all the things she would never get to do while making my coffee Jonathan spoke up. “Remember when you let me and Jennifer have some of the top stuff aka foam” I did… She got to try coffee! A few days ago I mentioned picnics in their room. They, Jonathan in particular,  know about the non profit.. they know that not all kids die from cancer and our goal is to make it so less children die. They know pediatric is fancy for kid. But we don’t talk about my blog. I don’t[…]

evolving

Another holiday looming. ..without her. But its the first year .. so I know people will care. I know they will notice me and try to be extra gentle.. I am thankful for that.. but so fearful for years to come. I think the horrifying truth is hitting me.. Its never going to get better. Never going to get easier. I will just adjust to it. I look at pictures of her in the time when knew she had cancer. How well she just automatically compensated for her weakness on her right side.  I guess I will eventually just do that.be able to function and get through a day without a onslaught of tears. I will be able to learn to live with a huge piece of what make me who I am missing.. but I will forever be compensating. I am starting to feel such a pull inward again..[…]

aftermath of memory

Its amazing how one memory of her has completely rocked me .. not even a complete memory.. just the shape of one piece of her head . . I have been weepy ever since. Just constantly close to tears. . And they seem to come easily. Yesterday was just a much needed *almost* our family day. We all needed that time to be with just us. We all miss her.. in our own ways. Nicholas now insists on putting his shorts on backwards when he does them himself. .. He says thats how they are supposed to go. And since he is not a fan of chonies I cannot see how that is comfortable.JLK used to do the same with her shoes. Completely insistent that they go on the opposite foot. I was worried her feet were going to start growing incorrectly she did it so often and for so[…]

I remember

Tony has our biggest and littlest living kids out running an errand and our new middle child is napping. I have business cards from DC set out to organize and start making contact.. I have a to-do list for Unravel laid out in front of me.. but I can’t motivate. Because I just need to cry..to write.. to miss her. We walked to the farmers market just a bit ago.. its right near where her preschool was.. I never walked there. She would have loved it.. but I thought it was too far. …constant regrets.. constant second guessing. For the first time since she died I mistook one of my living kids for her.. I was busy doing something and caught a glimpse of Jonathan out of the corner of my eye.. just a flash of his leg and the back of my brain registered “Jennifer”.. before the thought was[…]

heavy and crushing

It is so hard to come home to a house without her. . Its hard to leave and feel like I am leaving her behind. .. It is hard to come home.. to hug my boys.. and have my arms ache so desperately for the one hug I will never have the luck of getting in this life again.  I know experts would tell me she is too little but I am so sure Charlotte feels the same way too.. The unabashed joy that washed over her seeing her brothers today was incredible. I couldn’t help but wonder if she thought they were also gone from her forever. It was a half giggle – half cry noise. Eerily the kind of noises I think I would make if I got my Jennifer back..                                  […]

DC

After I wrote last time I set out to get packing.. I found our backpack and looked inside. Just a few things from our last trip, her Make A Wish to DisneyWorld and even though this wasn’t her bag it had her stuff in it. A barely touched magic marker coloring book. I had no idea what to do with it. I didn’t want to throw it away but I also have nowhere to keep it. I already have so much of her stuff saved and it wasn’t like she really colored these pages. I decided to go put it in her backpack in her room. Once I walked in I started sobbing. I just didn’t want to go without her. I had been walking all around the house trying to figure out what to bring of hers on the trip.. to have her with me. Its so hard to[…]

butterfly

Today was almost all family time..made a immensely helpful phone call on the way home with a woman a long ago friend connected me with.. its amazing what just asking for help can turn up.. Since it was Tony’s last day off of work with the modified schedule, I told him to decide what sounded like fun. He said the San Francisco zoo.. we didn’t get to see the whole thing last time. It was a great choice. It gave us time to be away.. with cooler weather and do some forced nap time for the kiddos. I took Jennifer to the Oakland zoo once when I was pregnant with Jonathan. . so I feel a tinge of guilt over never taking her to this zoo.. Walking out I noticed a sign about donors.. I have never really looked at those kinds of things before. .. and I thought  […]

I do now

I am so tired tonight.. just feeling drained and gutted.. angry.. weak.. tired. Its the mundane day to day that’s doing it to me. I miss her. More and more each and every day. How is that even possible? Every night I go to bed thinking its got to get better… this has to be the hardest. its never been. Every day is harder. And its really scary. I never understood how life could be so hard or so big that somebody would want to give up. I do now. Every single breath I take hurts. Fills my lungs with an ache.. that can never be eased. I think in 10 yrs it will be holidays and anniversaries that are so hard.. I will somehow adjust to this new life without her. But now… today.. yesterday.. and I can only assume tomorrow .. the day to day rips into me..[…]