Tag: communicating with dead child

lets go!

I keep thinking I’ve done a good enough job explaining death and heaven… the permanency of it all to them. But its still just too hard of a concept for them to get I think.. I guess in all reality its too hard for me to really get it either.. The other day we were all driving in the car .. home from a day spent with some of our family remembering Jennifer and we heard Charlotte from the back of the car. Just hearing her little voice calling out made me smile remembering earlier in the night.. We watched a video we played at Jennifer’s services. Charlotte had been so cute as we watched the video. She was calling out so excitedly.. so proudly SISSY every time a picture of Jennifer flashed on the screen. I was crying. Big solid silent tears across the room. And she noticed. I[…]

unrequited best friend

It’s happening. Jonathan is surpassing his big sister. Last week he sat next to me and he read. He opened up a book and he read. She was so close to it. She really wanted to learn how. Now when I want her to know the words I write I say them aloud. Because she can’t read. I was trying to meal plan for Thanksgiving. Thinking of what I wanted to make.. I was already feeling the missing shape of her in our lives. And I heard him. Finger to page. Word by word. He was reading. And I cried. For him. Proud of him and his accomplishment. And so sad for never getting to have that moment with Jennifer. Soon he will outlive her. Soon it will all be new to me. A mom for 8 years yet I am experiencing all the firsts with my 6 year old.[…]

8 months

I used to love the Fall.. love when the seasons started to change and the weather got a little crisper.. Loved it getting dark earlier.. I hate it. I hate all of it. Its just leading to horrible days.. ones that used to be so full of joy .. that I am terrified of having to go through. A birthday without her .. Halloween without her.. thanksgiving and christmas and new years.. all without her.. and as time marches and the weather gets colder.. we hit the anniversary .. is there seriously no other word for it?!?! of her death. no. no. no. I used to love halloween. She was due on halloween.. Its not just a reminder that she is not here. For me its more with halloween. Its all the decorations. Tombstones and skeletons.. ghosts and zombies … all things to say that death is scary. …but Jennifer[…]

please baby please

I have been avoiding writing tonight. I am struggling with blogging.. because right now I am just emotionally exhausted.. I know when I write I am forced to go into it.. I feel the storm brewing and so much of me wants to run.. and never look back. So I was wasting time on facebook. And I read the update I was so hopeful wasn’t coming about another local girl who was fighting cystic fibrosis.. her parents said goodbye to her tonight. Caley is forever 12 . And somehow it made me want to write.. to be honest with my struggles.. what its like 4 months and a day out. How its still just getting harder and harder. How in the beginning I was so blissfully numb.. how now it feels like daily I am being drug further down into reality. Tony was in a golf tournament today.. now headed to[…]

winning

Rarely do I type and erase.. but tonight I have been .. I’m not sure what exactly is holding me back.. I guess mostly fear of being judged.. or misunderstood. But as I start to think about the words that want to come.. I cry.. so I will share my truth. Sometimes its hard to accept the good being done for us… since it means the worst has happened to us. And I just don’t want it to be true. I shared on friday that Wes from Coast Range wore a Unravel / love 4 jlk shirt the first day of the CrossFit games. It meant a lot to me..At first it was mostly just excited and touched .. but then it hit me yesterday.. The why. The why of all of this .. because my daughter is dead. and I am so sad. I don’t want it.. I would[…]