Tag: child grief

a letter to my surviving kids

Kids. This ones for you. I recently said I was excited to get old. That my age only bothers me because I am still so young. One of my brothers is turning 40 this week and I thought I know exactly what I will think when I blow out my 40 candles.. The same thing I think every year now.. One year closer… a little bit closer to my grave. And that makes me happy.. Then I was asked about my other kids.. Do I worry about how those feelings might impact them? So kids. This one. This ones all for you. .. ..your mothers love letter to you.. They all are really though.. Just not in the typical fashion. Every word I type here is my fight for you. My digging into the infection that is grief. A wound created by the loss of your sister. One that if left[…]

so i lied

I try to be honest. Especially in this new life we have been handed.. But I am finding I have to lie sometimes. To the outside world and my kids. With a smile that covers up the falling apart happening inside at that exact moment.. The surprising hard moments are often times the worst ones. The ones I am not ready for or expecting.. When the school year started. I used to walk Jonathan in every day. We would wait during assembly and watch him walk to the classroom. .. But the weather got colder and he wanted to be dropped off so we transitioned to that. Yesterday Nicholas asked if we could go in again. And Jonathan liked the idea so we did. I hope they don’t ask again. Two lines behind him I saw these kids.. The ones that are all strangers to me… but I know their[…]

so much has changed

Bridgette is 5 months old.. Thats how old Charlotte was when our lives began to crumble. .. Today is hard.. I just woke up hurting and wanting. And mad. I went.. as I always do in the morning, to a place Tony and I both call wonderful torture. The “on this day” option on Facebook. And I saw the picture of my Jennifer with one of her very best friends. They were wearing the matching pink minnie shirts Jennifer picked out for them in Disney World. I smiled. Remembering how the girls were so serious about trying to match everything. Same color hair things.. and boots and leggings and blue skirts. I smiled at how happy she was to be back at her preschool even though she should have been in kinder. How we gave her the choice of where to go .. and she gladly chose Ms Sandy with Maddie[…]


Tomorrow I will dust myself off.. Tomorrow I will pick myself up … but today.. Today I crumble. Today my 2 year old toddles over to me and asks to be picked up. Today she offers to kiss my owie and wipes away my tears. Today we start to clean up the garage.. and find bags of my dead daughters clothing. Ones she wore and lived in before we knew the string of letters DIPG and the power they would forever hold over me. Today I ache for her so deeply. Today I am a really crappy mom and today I feel horrible about it.. but can’t seem to stop. .. today. today I find watermelon on clothes she never wore but were in her things. ok sissy .. tomorrow ok.. better tomorrow.. i just can’t today.. sorry Today I bury my face in the jammies she wore so often.[…]