Tag: child death god

meant to be

**As I was typing the last word in this entry this song started playing.. Open it in another window as you read this.. Because I think she wants me to share her message to me, with you..** ok buggers. ok baby.. ok.. i love you. i love you. i love you I was talking with a friend today.. a new friend from my new life. My AD life.. This friends job is to fundraise for researchers.. well kinda. Her goal is really to raise money to save kids. To stop them from suffering.. from dying. . Its a big deal. It matters and it can be all consuming. The pressure can be overwhelming at times. I get it. So much. .. except I don’t. .. She asked how I dealt with it. Since we are so similar. How do I cope with that anxiety and pressure. The need to do[…]

double agent

So why are you doing this? (the whole fluttering campaign)  To keep the promise you made to Jennifer? (Unravel itself) I was asked that today in a interview. I wish I could say yes. But its simply not the truth. I am doing it because I am selfish and I know it could be another one of my babies again.. Or my friends kids.. or my nephew or niece. Experience does not make one immune to childhood cancer. This is why I am committed to Unraveling pediatric cancer. Jennifer is gone. Curing cancer does nothing for her .. i just want my baby back And I am selfish. I am doing this so people say her name. If everybody that orders a kit moves it nightly that 10, 500 houses that see the dragonflies.. and learn the facts.. and maybe they even say her name. Maybe enough people whisper her[…]

…but she is

I find myself back to a place where I have a longing for my nights to come and write. I don’t know if I am in a transitional period or if it is just a hard spot for me right now. I am brimming with emotions lately.. anger and sadness.. and a sharp desperate ache for my Jennifer. I have prayed a lot lately. Constantly talking to God, just walking out to the garage to grab a  bottle of juice I speak to Him. I ask for help.. . Sometimes its unbelievable to me. .. how I can feel so mad at Him on one hand .. yet still closer to Him than I have ever been. I know heaven is real. I know this isn’t the end.. but I just get so damned scared. And so I write … I release those fears through my fingers.. and then somehow am[…]

will she

5 months. 5 months. 5 months. ..no .. please .. Once the clock strikes midnight I can no longer say 4 months.. it becomes a whole month more.. Today was a good day. We walked to the library , first time we have been there since last summer…I planned to go once she was in school.. but never got around to it. We packed a picnic and ate behind the building. . .  Jonathan remembered from 2 Halloweens ago.. when he had just turned 3 that we went trick or treating there in a nearby building with her preschool class. I try to placate myself with the thought that they won’t remember this time.. but then he pulls something like that.. A strong memory from when he was so much younger.. and I worry. I try to do things she would have liked these days. These days I am suffering inside without[…]