Tag: changed mommy

8th birthday un-party

Her birthday. The second one we have endured since losing her. The anniversary of her terminal diagnosis. DIPG. The same day and the second we have faced without her. A un-party. We escaped with the kids. It seems to be the only way I can even begin to imagine facing these huge milestones. To the beach, a beach house that friends of our family open up to us. I like being somewhere she was. Being able to remember her in one corner. .. or on the stairs or sharing a meal. She was here with us once. Alive and whole. We mostly escaped social media and our phones on the trip. But Tony and I each took a few moments of solitude to escape into the digital world. We saw post after post about our daughter. About moments and memories people made with their children .. because knowing a family[…]

it falls to them

I woke up this morning and the ache… the hole in my heart and my life was palpable. I have cried often I have cried hard today. My boys and I painted rocks with nail polish to take to her. They seem to have a want and a need to go daily right now. And then they wanted to paint their nails.. to paint my nails. Jonathan knows just what to do.. exactly the way I used to do it with his big sister. Its been well over a year since he has seen that happen. But he remembered.. I was happy and I was devastated. That’s me. One giant walking contradiction. One giant ball of dueling emotions. So often feeling depleted of any true emotion but feeling such tenderness for my surviving 3. I feel like I cannot wait to die.. to get to be with my Jennifer again[…]

deserve it

This morning I was driving to the gym. I crossed over the intersection I turned on daily to take Jennifer to school. It hit me.. in just a little bit I will be making that drive again… this time for Jonathan. And it was like a jolted me. This time I have left with all my living babies at home with me more often than not is coming to a close. Forever. I already know how hard it was to deal with the first time around.. how much I missed Jennifer.. how much I longed to just have her home with me. I cannot even imagine how hard its going to be this time around. I started to feel an immense guilt for taking all the time away from this once in a lifetime gift of time I am having to go to the gym.. or run Unravel. I found[…]

guide

I am still me.. but never ever really the same. I went to a MOPS group this morning. I was at a table with some ladies I knew.. and some I didn’t. ok cool. It started with a ice breaker.. we just took turns sharing a little bit about ourselves.  nailed it. Then the video came on. The topic was what is your worst mom nightmare. oh crap.  As our table shared I got to speak initially with another mom about my before cancer mom life experience. I got to share the same way I used to about my experiences.. my success and failures. I loved it. It was so nice to just be a mom of 4 kids again… for a moment. Until it was my turn to share my worst mom nightmare.. So I shared. My worst fear did in fact come true. I have always been scared to lose a[…]

angels

  All these things I am being forced to walk through. Nothing feels real right now.  Its like my body.. my heart.. my soul cannot accept that she is gone.. that I have to do this. These holidays.   Something in me snapped on Friday. Broke apart. And I cried off and on all day. I hate it. That cancer stole my daughter.. but also my 3 youngest babies childhoods. This shouldn’t be their memories for this time of year. But I can’t always stop it. I try .. I do try. Because I know it impacts them. I know how they are my little men and want to protect me. .. do anything to keep their mommy from hurting. Friday morning it was a cluster of hits that took me down. . Jonathan worried it was the song on the radio he had said he liked.. so he told[…]

Everybody grieves

Theres that popular kids book everybody poops.. I think I should write one called everybody grieves. Because this weekend that has been so apparent in my family. The ways we are all hurting. .. and all reaching for Jennifer, trying to connect. Waking up to my husbands tears.. knowing immediately why.. Not even for a moment questioning what is upsetting him so much in the middle of the night. He is just broken.. struggling with every moment to keep his head above water. So he does in his waking hours what is easier for him. He gets mad and frustrated over everything. But when I look at him all I see is a man completely overwhelmed.. overtaken with missing his daughter. I want so much to fix it for him. To be able to take his hand and run away. to take the burden off of his back and put[…]

pretty bow

I miss you Jennifer. I am hurting so much. Struggling with such a desperate suffering. It just keeps getting harder and harder. I don’t understand. When will there be some respite from all of this. Will it be like this til she is in my arms again? I just cannot believe its real. Sometimes it feels like I am watching somebody else’s life. That my daughter can’t really be gone. Even that she was once here seems like a mirage. What a horrible thing that is. How is the pain getting so powerful that I am shutting it completely out? I am one of the strongest people I know. I always have been. But I am weak. I am so weak now. This moment it grips me.. the horrific reality that is our life now… drowning in the lack of hers. Its a burning.. a searing strike. Ripping me apart[…]

this last

You never know the lasts..I wrote about that before.. wondering if I would know the lasts as they came to pass.. I didn’t. Surprisingly I still don’t. I got mail for her. Jennifer Lynn Kranz.   It was ironically enough from the first eye dr we saw.. the one that said we needed to take her to a specialist. .. that lead us to a MRI that then discovered the tumor that would turn our lives upside down. .. eventually ripping us apart. Will that be the last piece of mail I get for her? The last time I see her name in my mail box?   How is that even possible.. my daughter. My should be almost 7 yr old. Sometimes it feels like she is being wiped off the face of this earth. She was stolen from us 8 months ago.. but somehow I feel like I lose[…]

i can’t

I woke up this morning feeling empty. Like the lack of her was completely overwhelming. It was a hard day to be a good mom.. But I tried. I tried and won some and failed some. Tony was gone all day at a football game.. a full day out that he more than deserved.. I don’t know if thats why it hit so hard.. or if it was simply the weather. Gray .. cool… overcast. Did it remind me of February? Of the time right after she died? Or was it just a reminder of this time of last year.. when we first learned our eldest would die? I don’t know how to explain it, it was..  it was a ..  a missing.. a strong constant missing of my baby girl. A want for her. Just to hold her. To know her. To know what she would look like now.[…]

never knew

I never knew.. never knew pain or despair like this before. I never knew that there is no respite from losing your child. I never knew how hard it would be. I thought I did.. thought I could imagine. .. I couldn’t.. I still can’t. Because I know I am still not at the bottom of it… not at a place I can start clawing my way back up. I still have further down to go. Its always. Its constant. There is no relief. How is that even possible? I got her name tattooed on my wrist the other day. On the drive home I called Tony to see if I could stop at the beach. Of course he said yes.. I needed that time.. To just miss her.. on the beach walking along the ocean. The sunset was incredible and I had music playing the whole time.. song after[…]