Tag: cancer mom

so much has changed

Bridgette is 5 months old.. Thats how old Charlotte was when our lives began to crumble. .. Today is hard.. I just woke up hurting and wanting. And mad. I went.. as I always do in the morning, to a place Tony and I both call wonderful torture. The “on this day” option on Facebook. And I saw the picture of my Jennifer with one of her very best friends. They were wearing the matching pink minnie shirts Jennifer picked out for them in Disney World. I smiled. Remembering how the girls were so serious about trying to match everything. Same color hair things.. and boots and leggings and blue skirts. I smiled at how happy she was to be back at her preschool even though she should have been in kinder. How we gave her the choice of where to go .. and she gladly chose Ms Sandy with Maddie[…]

what she said

I am not alone in this. So much of what I feel other parents are also feeling. This is what my friend Kristine wrote on the McKenna Claire Foundations FB page yesterday “We are on a major organizational binge at our house. Our life has been chaos since the day McKenna was diagnosed, which will be 4 years in January. I was cleaning out bags of “stuff” that have been piled in corners of closets or dressers. What I found this morning is what you see pictured above. This was McKenna’s final Mother’s Day gift to me. It was not lost on me thatit was covered in butterflies and that the gift itself was a blue butterfly keychain. What undid me was what she wrote on the back. Reading her words, written in her shaky post-tumor writing, brought back every ounce of the hopelessness, guilt, and pain that I have[…]

DC getting to it

Finally feeling the way I wanted to about being here.. Walking down the street today a young girl and her mother approached me because of my Unravel shirt. She asked if we were here for action days. They also happened to be here from California! The girl is a 16 yr old survivor who brought up a great point. She survived childhood cancer but almost died from side effects from the incredibly toxic treatments. If she had her death would not have been attributed to cancer.. another statistical loophole.. We walked and talked for at least 10 minutes. When I shared our story.. of the loss of our Jennifer the mother stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and embraced me. A hug that spoke a thousand words that language can not allow. .. of hope and despair.. guilt and gratitude and simple understanding.. I absorbed the relationship between this[…]

my daughter

I am reaching for her. Always so desperate to try to connect to her. Its been a slow build over the past few days to the point of all consuming… My boys really wanted a party for Charlotte. So we threw something together last minute for her on Friday, a few days after her birthday. We still had our gluten free cupcakes for her actual birthday so we went outside to sing and eat them… since they crumble more than glutenful cupcakes.. We lit her candle, it blew out and as we sang it blew out again.. then it hit me. Out loud I said good job Jennifer.. and it stayed lit. .. was it really her? I choke on that hope.. That she was there. Present enough to be experiencing it with us. close enough to blow out her baby sisters candles.. right now I look out onto the[…]

nightmare

I am a living breathing nightmare. “I’m sorry you are living this nightmare”  That’s the only words I have for other parents when their children die.. I can even say it when its been years and years .. I am going to venture a guess.. by the hollow I see exposed when they know that I truly know.. think its still so very true. Kids were really tired tonight so they all went to bed early. Gave Tony and I a chance to just watch some mindless tv.. or not.   Modern Family.. a comedy. Little girl wearing the same Belle costume my Jennifer wore on her birthday.. the one I had bought and saved for her.. knowing it would be the perfect birthday present. The day we found out she would die. Then Criminal Minds… a character close to death.. I can’t help but tell him to go.. Tony[…]