Tag: bereaved sibling

good

Last night was good for me. It was completely gutting. I woke up with eyes swollen and heavy. .. but that was so much better than the weight I had been carrying around inside of me. Tony came in the door after I was done writing.. and I dissolved into his arms. I was so grateful for that moment.  So thankful for my best friend. Tonight I remembered that Jonathan doesn’t have that anymore. His best friend is gone.. After bed he came toddling out to us and asked Daddy to sleep in our bed.. why? Because Jennifer did. We talked more about it and decided he wouldn’t, but that we would plan it for another night. What is he thinking and feeling that would make that come up for him? I will go to him tonight after I finish writing. And I will pray that I never ever have[…]

half a year

6 months. Half a year. So long since I have touched her.. yet still so long until I feel her again. “They” say that most kids don’t come through for their parents for a minimum of 6 months… I have been waiting for and dreading this day. Because now I am truly waiting for my dream with her.. yet still terrified of the nightmare.. Somehow 6 months feel so much longer than 5 months. This 11th was quite different from the last ones I have experienced. Tonight I went to go assemble the fluttering kits. They are beautiful.. I am proud of what we have accomplished. But mostly I am moved. I hope fluttering becomes bigger and so much more than Jennifer. But the truth is.. this year its all about her, and tonight I let myself enjoy that. The vast majority of people ordering kits did so because of[…]

so much

I came home yesterday to a clean house.. boys happily playing at their coco and papas and a meal on the table. Oh how I love this man. But the thing I noticed first was baby Charlotte in her frozen sisters dress turned shirt. I had them made.. one for each of my daughters. As I walked back to my room after putting baby Charlotte to bed I noticed a gift in Jennifers room. A gift bag full of things with tissue paper at the top. I asked Tony about it and he told me Jonathan has decided on the way home from the vacation that he wanted to give sissy and daddy gifts.. so he did.. oh how I love this boy. so much like his daddy. I often wonder about his little mind.. what is going on inside of it. My final day of the Tahoe trip I[…]

…but she is

I find myself back to a place where I have a longing for my nights to come and write. I don’t know if I am in a transitional period or if it is just a hard spot for me right now. I am brimming with emotions lately.. anger and sadness.. and a sharp desperate ache for my Jennifer. I have prayed a lot lately. Constantly talking to God, just walking out to the garage to grab a  bottle of juice I speak to Him. I ask for help.. . Sometimes its unbelievable to me. .. how I can feel so mad at Him on one hand .. yet still closer to Him than I have ever been. I know heaven is real. I know this isn’t the end.. but I just get so damned scared. And so I write … I release those fears through my fingers.. and then somehow am[…]

warrior

Warrior. Warrior mom. Warrior child. It’s a badge given to cancer families in this world I am slowly becoming accustomed to. It has always felt uncomfortable.. awkward for me… I wasn’t sure why. . I just have always known Jennifer wasn’t a a warrior. She was a barely 6 yr old girl who loved to hide from her Daddy when he came home from work and then jump out to surprise him…a little girl who snored like a grown man but always denied it was her. A brown eyed beauty who truly believed in the magic of a princess.    I don’t think any of our DIPG kids are warriors really.. .I think they are more like sitting ducks. Being picked off one by one. I am angry. I wrote awhile ago how it wasn’t a fair fight for her. And I realized this feeling is just an extension of[…]

she has cancer

I miss seeing her in new ways.. I miss her little arms surprising me with hugs.. and the sweet way she would talk to her baby sister. All I have now is the pictures. Sometimes I drown in them. . Often after I write I look for the right pictures to fit in. It takes me a good deal of time to find them since I am always pretty sure what I am looking for.. and then I get lost.. In memories .. good and bad.. I look at the pictures in treatment. How beat down and tired she looked. I can see it so well now. Almost like the outline of death around her. At the time though I couldn’t tell. . somehow I was able to just see beyond the dark circles and just see my daughter. At first her eye was so jarring to me.. but at some[…]

Connecting

I think she is connecting us. A week or so ago (I have no grip on time right now) I was lamenting in the kitchen how Jennifer never got to try coffee.. she sent me sign which I thanked her for immediately. I don’t think it really sunk in though. A few days later doing the same thing.. thinking abut all the things she would never get to do while making my coffee Jonathan spoke up. “Remember when you let me and Jennifer have some of the top stuff aka foam” I did… She got to try coffee! A few days ago I mentioned picnics in their room. They, Jonathan in particular,  know about the non profit.. they know that not all kids die from cancer and our goal is to make it so less children die. They know pediatric is fancy for kid. But we don’t talk about my blog. I don’t[…]

will she

5 months. 5 months. 5 months. ..no .. please .. Once the clock strikes midnight I can no longer say 4 months.. it becomes a whole month more.. Today was a good day. We walked to the library , first time we have been there since last summer…I planned to go once she was in school.. but never got around to it. We packed a picnic and ate behind the building. . .  Jonathan remembered from 2 Halloweens ago.. when he had just turned 3 that we went trick or treating there in a nearby building with her preschool class. I try to placate myself with the thought that they won’t remember this time.. but then he pulls something like that.. A strong memory from when he was so much younger.. and I worry. I try to do things she would have liked these days. These days I am suffering inside without[…]

her silence..

I wonder a lot what I look like to others. You see me and talk to me and I seem relatively normal. I am not. I wonder if people think I am begin over dramatic with my writing. I am not. What I write is my truth. I don’t even understand it. I don’t understand how its getting harder and harder every day. Every free moment I get I cry right now. When I go to the bathroom I take those few minutes and I cry. Big silent tears. I know there was a article going around Facebook about tears for different reasons looked at under a microscope having different physical properties. I am not at all surprised by it.. and it helps me feel a little less crazy. Right now my tears are bigger than normal.. and heavier too. And when I cry.. they just fall.. one right after[…]

evolving

Another holiday looming. ..without her. But its the first year .. so I know people will care. I know they will notice me and try to be extra gentle.. I am thankful for that.. but so fearful for years to come. I think the horrifying truth is hitting me.. Its never going to get better. Never going to get easier. I will just adjust to it. I look at pictures of her in the time when knew she had cancer. How well she just automatically compensated for her weakness on her right side.  I guess I will eventually just do that.be able to function and get through a day without a onslaught of tears. I will be able to learn to live with a huge piece of what make me who I am missing.. but I will forever be compensating. I am starting to feel such a pull inward again..[…]