Tag: bereaved sibling

love wasn’t enough..

Christmas is almost here.  A day I counted down to and used to love. Even more after having children then I did even as a child. It was pure magic to get to experience it with them.. I’ve lost that. I’m sad. I miss my daughter. I look at her stocking and hate that I know it won’t be filled with gifts for her. Although we started a tradition last year that we are going to stick with. Santa will bring something to the whole family in honor of Jennifer. So at least her stocking will be taken down and laid out.. even though she won’t be here to run to it. .. Just thinking about it all makes my stomach hurt… and clench .. And the same words tunnel their way through my brain.. Keeping me up. .. but she’s only 6. just barely 6.  And then my brain[…]

a napkin

**** sometimes I write posts and don’t post them right away. This is one of those written in August**** Trying to prepare for Jonathan to start kindergarten. .It forces answers a lot of questions and fears I have been lucky enough to avoid. But it seems to help a new crop of them bloom. We got out Jennifer’s uniform because its a unisex top and he wants to wear hers. It matters a lot to him. Once alone with these bright blue memories I held them to my face.. desperately trying to find a piece of her to breathe in.. I couldn’t. Tony did find a hair of hers.. We carefully wrapped around the button. I gave him 2 and explained the other 3 we would save for her other younger brother(s) and sister(s). **Bridgette not yet born I didn’t know if he would have 2 little sisters or little brothers.[…]

tomorrow

Tomorrow I will dust myself off.. Tomorrow I will pick myself up … but today.. Today I crumble. Today my 2 year old toddles over to me and asks to be picked up. Today she offers to kiss my owie and wipes away my tears. Today we start to clean up the garage.. and find bags of my dead daughters clothing. Ones she wore and lived in before we knew the string of letters DIPG and the power they would forever hold over me. Today I ache for her so deeply. Today I am a really crappy mom and today I feel horrible about it.. but can’t seem to stop. .. today. today I find watermelon on clothes she never wore but were in her things. ok sissy .. tomorrow ok.. better tomorrow.. i just can’t today.. sorry Today I bury my face in the jammies she wore so often.[…]

unrequited best friend

It’s happening. Jonathan is surpassing his big sister. Last week he sat next to me and he read. He opened up a book and he read. She was so close to it. She really wanted to learn how. Now when I want her to know the words I write I say them aloud. Because she can’t read. I was trying to meal plan for Thanksgiving. Thinking of what I wanted to make.. I was already feeling the missing shape of her in our lives. And I heard him. Finger to page. Word by word. He was reading. And I cried. For him. Proud of him and his accomplishment. And so sad for never getting to have that moment with Jennifer. Soon he will outlive her. Soon it will all be new to me. A mom for 8 years yet I am experiencing all the firsts with my 6 year old.[…]

lucille packard

I’ve made the drive many times in my life .. Yesterday making it memories flooded back. Jonathan needs a hernia surgery. His pediatrician referred us to Lucille Packard. Its scheduled for first thing Friday morning. Initially on the drive yesterday I remembered the evening we first made the trip for Jennifer. Lost trying to find our way to the emergency room. How big and foreign the hospital looked. .. I still can’t believe that just a few weeks later I would know many of the hallways of this place.. That my almost 6 year old would also. How in the beginning we ate at one cafeteria but eventually decided the bigger one.. the one connected to Stanford was better food for her. So we would go there. I had the same breakfast every morning .. after she was out of radiation. I thought about getting it tomorrow. A yogurt parfait with soggy[…]

did sissy die there?

I try to prepare.. especially for things I think will be hard for the kids. Not sure why.. I am pretty much always wrong. Jonathan had a kinder prep day today. I was worried about how hard it would be for him.. and me.. But he was nervous in the more typical jittery way. Being at Jennifer’s school didn’t seems to knock him the way I thought it might. He was bummed at first when he found out he wouldn’t be in her room.. But that was really all. No kids in uniforms.. lining up in a different spot and I guess just knowing it wasn’t a school day made it easier for me than I prepared for. ..until I got in the car. Nicholas. “Mom did sissy die there?” Like being slapped in the face. A sudden and harsh burn. So we talked. He asked who was there when[…]

February 1

Hey Super Bowl. Fuck you. And while we are at it. February can go screw off too. .. Well maybe not. Maybe I love Februaury too. Because its the last month I held her. The last month I felt her heart beating.. Always strong until the moment it stopped. Just like Jennifer was. Today sucks. Because Tony wants to watch the game. Because he doesn’t have the same connection to this day that I do. So we both feel guilty for upsetting the other one. Because Jonathan just can’t stop hurting right now. His pain is strong. Intense. Real and for him so confusing. He doesn’t understand why its suddenly so palpable again. So he is constantly looking for reasons and explanations to explain why the feelings are bubbling. But the truth is.. its simply just almost been a year. And all parts of his body remember. We had all[…]

Everybody grieves

Theres that popular kids book everybody poops.. I think I should write one called everybody grieves. Because this weekend that has been so apparent in my family. The ways we are all hurting. .. and all reaching for Jennifer, trying to connect. Waking up to my husbands tears.. knowing immediately why.. Not even for a moment questioning what is upsetting him so much in the middle of the night. He is just broken.. struggling with every moment to keep his head above water. So he does in his waking hours what is easier for him. He gets mad and frustrated over everything. But when I look at him all I see is a man completely overwhelmed.. overtaken with missing his daughter. I want so much to fix it for him. To be able to take his hand and run away. to take the burden off of his back and put[…]

she is more

Birthday done..check. Now halloween. I want to to just sleep through it. I want to avoid it completely. But I can’t, that wouldn’t be fair to my little 3. And then that makes me mad. I always did a good job appreciating the middle of the night wake ups and temper tantrums over not liking their costumes.. because I knew.. well I thought I knew how quickly time could pass. I had no idea I would only be gifted 6 truly magical years … before cancer stole a piece of all of us. The benefit of having so many older siblings that had children before me is that I know I am in the glory years. . the magic years.. But I’m not relishing in them the way I want to.. the way I used just a year ago. My love for them is big and strong.. but the ache[…]

this last

You never know the lasts..I wrote about that before.. wondering if I would know the lasts as they came to pass.. I didn’t. Surprisingly I still don’t. I got mail for her. Jennifer Lynn Kranz.   It was ironically enough from the first eye dr we saw.. the one that said we needed to take her to a specialist. .. that lead us to a MRI that then discovered the tumor that would turn our lives upside down. .. eventually ripping us apart. Will that be the last piece of mail I get for her? The last time I see her name in my mail box?   How is that even possible.. my daughter. My should be almost 7 yr old. Sometimes it feels like she is being wiped off the face of this earth. She was stolen from us 8 months ago.. but somehow I feel like I lose[…]