Tag: bereaved sibling

gray

Definition of gray a. of the color gray b. tending toward gray c. dull in color having the hair gray clothed in gray a. lacking cheer or brightness in mood, outlook, style, or flavor; also: dismal, gloomy<a gray day> b. prosaically ordinary: dull, uninteresting having an intermediate and often vaguely defined position, condition, or character     I am gray. I live and survive in the gray now.. This is the merriam-webster definition of gray.. and I think it suits me.. This new AD me that I discovered in this post.. Parenting after child loss is a bitch. All parenting is hard. All parents question themselves.. I always have. But now the stakes seem so impossibly high. That if I am wrong I can be doing some real damage to their little hearts. Nicholas is hard lately. Really really hard. Angry. Defiant. Stubborn. .. and hurting. Maybe more than the rest of us right now. Is[…]

Seattle in pictures

  Seattle was great! So many memories made.. and difference to be made. We gave over 130,000 into the hands of some incredible and dedicated researchers. Thank you! I didn’t tell Jonathan until the night before our trip that we were going somewhere and he didn’t know it was on a plane until we got to the airport. Then I told him every single step before we did it. That seemed to be the perfect rhythm for him. We were on seriously the smallest plane I have ever been on. My 5 ft tall self could easily put my bag in the overhead compartment. I am not a good flier so that didn’t help!! The last time Jonathan was on a plane was our Make A Wish trip. On the flight we talked about those memories… Bridgette was perfect! Until we got to the hotel. Then she freaked. Jonathan got[…]

do over

Up and down and backwards.. tumbling over and over again. That was my today. I have felt every emotion possible today. But I am ending it.. in a quiet house with  a few hitting me all at once.. all overwhelming in their own right .. Sadness. Dread. Pride. Gratitude. .. an odd mixture. thank you jennifer. i know. i know you have a part in the latter two. the ones that matter the most. somehow i just know i have you to thank. The dread and sadness .. I don’t think I need to explain those.. And tonight I don’t want to. Tonight those emotions are all mine. Moments to be shared with the daughter I can no longer touch.. but will one day follow into the light.. Most of the day I felt on the edge .. just hanging on by a very thin thread. Verging on an outburst[…]

roses in the ocean

  **I don’t often re-read what I write. But tonight I did. And this posting is a mutant writing. With makes it a perfect depiction of what its like in my head. Where nothing seems to fit together or make sense coming from one person.. And I am trying and failing not to freak out but all of my pictures are getting distorted as I upload them from my “good camera” luckily I snapped a few to text to Daddy with my phone.. So my apologies for lack of pictures. ** Jennifer loved the beach. So very much. We live so close to it. But I almost never took her. because I always had a baby or was pregnant.. or .. well really time. Its because I counted on time to do it later. I really wish I had taken her more often. Tony left on Sunday so its just been me[…]

..because life keeps happening..

It’s coming. I can feel. Even if I didn’t know it. Even if I didn’t remember it I can feel it. physical .. unrelenting.. grief.. A heaviness in my chest. A strain on my back. Ears always ringing.. just a bit. Heart beating faster and harder. Eyes stinging.. always on the verge of emptying. Another year. .. because life keeps happening. Why couldn’t I save her? Why couldn’t I relieve her pain? Stop her suffering? did i at all baby? was it ever not excruciating? This year is so different though. I knew exactly what I wanted to do. What made sense for all of us and I was able to make it happen. There was freedom in that. Freedom. Strength. Comfort in having a plan that felt right But not this year. This year its all up in the air. And nothing not a damned thing feels right. ..because[…]

4 year old questions

Last night at dinner Nicholas just started asking questions. I was giving both little girls a bath at the sink while my boys all finished dinner. It started off casual and easy and Tony asked if they had more questions.. And Nicholas did. So many. So so many. He directed them all to me. .. It was Tonys first time hearing the things he asks.. Seeing his fear and tasting his 4 year olds sorrow.. .. but we’ve done the before. The way he fights the tears that burns his eyes. They way he struggles to understand. Its just like Jonathan after Jennifer died. This deep want and desire to understand the unimaginable. kids die. we don’t have the answers and i can’t protect you. But Nicholas needs things to be right and fair and in order. As he fought the stinging in his eyes that he doesn’t understand His[…]

a bears voice

The holidays have come and gone. We survived. But I don’t really have time to catch my breath. Because now the countdown begins. To the official start of our 3rd year without her. That thought makes me choke and gag. Its a horrible notion. its my vile truth. 2 years ago right now I still had some hope. That maybe.. maybe my Jennifer would be the one. The first to beat this thing. That we would have time for more memories and experiences. That we made all the right choices. Choosing to try radiation. To have Tony keep working so we could take that time later on .. to be with her while she was healthy not in treatment. I will always carry a guilt that I think I pushed for him to do that… To work while I took care of her medical needs.. then take time once we[…]

the 23rd -12th-

12th. I am supposed to be working right now. I have a follow up presentation at Genetech to prepare for next week. January 12th. Kids are at school and at my moms so I can write it in a solid block of time and get myself prepared. Its a big deal presentation. 1 month until THE 12th. .. ..again.. But I can’t concentrate. Its gnawing away at me. The time that I know is looming and coming too quick.. but also too slow. Because it feels like forever since I held her last. And its only been 23 months.. How will I last the rest of my life?? ..how the fuck will I last the rest of my life???? A year ago we were all packed up for our make a wish trip. Unsure what to expect but so excited for the adventure. Right before we left though.. the first[…]

her Christmas gift

We woke up all with Jennifer on our hearts and minds… And as it turns out the feeling was mutual. My niece came over last night and saved Christmas for the second year in a row. She came over to wrap presents for my kids. Without her to talk with and to honestly do most of it I don’t know if it would have gotten done. It is so hard to not be wrapping for her.. So I just avoid it at all costs. As I fell asleep silent tears hit my pillow..  as I was helplessly wishing I could give her a present.. This morning the very first thing Nicholas did was ask my a question about sissy.. He was groggy, wiping sleeping from his eyes and asked if she used to wear boxers.. I was taken aback and at first said no.. but then realized she probably did[…]

ground to outer space

I forgot. I couldn’t believe I had forgotten… Cookie and cocoa and lights. A tradition that matters. We started it Jennifer’s first Christmas. It was always a celebration of getting to be parents. A night I always remembered and appreciated how hard fought for these children of ours were.  As each year we went from 1 to 2 to 3 … 4… with our 4th child then we knew we be losing our first one.. But I loved it. One of the only things that I actually have looked forward to these 2 seasons without her.. Because I remembered so much so fondly. The way she would get so excited.. Even showing her siblings that were just sleeping babies the lights. Squealing out to everybody whose window to look out of. I needed that. That remembering of the happy noises. My boys fight. A lot. And they fight hard. It[…]