Tag: bereaved mom

earthquake country

I live in earthquake country.. I always have.. but now its more. Now I exist in it too.. I am always ready.. vigilant for any potential tremors. But that’s what makes them so scary .. you never know when they will hit.. Even when they start.. you just never know how high they will register on the Richter scale.. I already know. As my fingers hit the keyboard I already know .. this might be one of those posts I never publish.. Because I know whats eating at me. .. something I struggle too admit to myself .. let alone out loud.. My jealousy. My heartbreak in the middle of others joy. The birth of my niece. Yes of course seeing a healthy baby… of remembering what it was like to first have my Jennifer placed in my arms.. Of wanting so desperately to go back.. to get those years[…]

my friend Grief

Its February. Its here. This month that fills me with such dread.. Its here. And with her she brings my old friend.. Grief. True. Utter. Grief. Grief that hollows me out. This friend.  The one I can’t remember not knowing, yet somewhere along the line, I was able to put in some separation.. Able to call on her .. versus her calling on me.. With this month that friend is back. Holding my hands .. matching my every step. I feel like I am being slowly pushed towards an invisible line and everything in me is fighting against it.. I’m losing though. . Ive always lost to February. I find myself constantly crying. Every time I get in the car .. Even those times my mind feels blank or preoccupied .. the moment the door closes I feel that familiar prick and sting in my eyes.. Grief. She grabs my[…]

upside to child loss.

There are side effects of child loss, but I have learned lately not all are negative. And none of them are stagnant. They all seem to be, at least for me, on a pendulum. I realized today I miss some of the moderation that life used to hold. That middle ground of normalcy.. Maybe it will return.. Maybe 10-15 years .. But right now I can’t imagine that it will. I realized today I am always on edge.. Not a razor sharp emotional breakdown edge.. or losing my shit edge but rather just tight? or guarded? or maybe waiting and prepared?.. Not sure the right way to explain it. . I just know I am pretty much never just hanging loose in the middle anymore. .. Because I know that thing that causes people to say ” I can’t imagine it” or ” thats my worst fear” .. I know the[…]

maybe the kids have it right..

Maybe Jennifer is painting the sky pink for us right now. I wish she was with us. Just here in the car right now. Im going to blow these bubbles up to heaven. Sissy can pop them. Can I sleep in here? I dreamt about Jennifer. I miss her and I am scared. Constant. My missing of her is a constant living part of me. And it is part of my kids too. Those are the comments I have heard in just the past few days. Just sudden and randomly they share,  I have them too.. I just don’t share mine. To protect them.. or whoever I am with. I keep those thoughts silent. To not let it seem like my life is overtaken by the one I can’t touch anymore. My kids though have the freedom to give those thoughts and wishes and hopes a voice. They don’t have[…]

she was here

I have pulled away from blogging. I have lots of excuses and reasons for it… But I do miss it. The release it gives me.. But especially the connection it gives me to my daughter. jennifer I feel so distant from her right now. So much so I find myself wondering if she was real. If she was ever really here. .. I find myself averting my eyes from her picture. I feel so guilty for it. Like I am denying her.. How much she matters. For the first time yesterday when asked about my kids I didn’t make it obvious she was gone from us. I just answered that I actually had 5 kids and when they asked the ages I only said she was 6.. Nicholas looked up at me and put his hand on my leg. I wonder so much what he was thinking. I presented at[…]

by name

Somebody shared a saying with me that struck a chord. A mother instinctively protects her child. A grieving mother instinctively protects her child’s memory. Few things have been so poignantly accurate for me in any part of this horrible journey. Tony and I talked about it today. About sharing the video of our Julys (the 4th and the garlic festival) with her, with family..We talked about how scary it is to know that people won’t always be willing or wanting to sit down and give 10 minutes of a celebration to her. We are now surrounded by child loss.. although it is a club nobody wants to join it is a club that is tight with its members. And everybody I have talked to shares stories about how and when it happens to them. I am actually going to keep this blog really short.. I want to write to my[…]