Tag: anniversary

rear view mirror

I don’t want to write tonight.. I don’t want to go there.. here. To remember where I was 4 months ago tonight. Steeling myself for the something so strong .. it dissolves steel. It started to hit this morning.. driving to a friends house I cried silent.. tears… but since then I have run from the truth that haunts me .. I cried angry tears and sad tears.. Relay for life is soon to happen in my town. Driving I saw the purple ribbons everywhere.. I wish I had no connection to it…I wish it didn’t impact me like it does. It made me feel stupid looking at them. . How I had been tricked into thinking that the money raised was for all cancers.. pediatric and adult when in reality it is unproprtionaly split towards adult cancer. 1 cent of every dollar goes towards pediatrics (PAC2) A worthy organization[…]

many

Today was hard.. at different times for different reasons. This morning I woke with the elephant on my chest… one was missing. Tony and Jonathan got me a gift to symbolize all 4 kids. We ate breakfast together.. Then I felt it coming. .. I asked him to take the boys out while Charlotte napped to get decorations for her birthday. I went to her room… and fell apart. Completely unglued. Talking to her.. praying.. sobbing. Then I washed my face and got ready for them to come home and go for a hike. We walked to the trails right by our house… the ones we had always talked about doing… …later. Today was later… one kid down.  Jonathan and I talked about things.. and I felt so thankful for the 4 people walking with me. We came home and it was nap time for Nicholas. For the first time[…]

clap

Music moves me…music permeated today… this song is the theme song for the first half of today… 2 months come… and gone.. This morning was really hard for me. We drove to Monterey… to be near the ocean and eat breakfast at a little place we really enjoy. Last time we were there was about a year ago on our “baby moon” right before baby Charlotte was born. …she turned 11 months today. Next month she turns 1… I really thought Jennifer would be here for that. I honestly never expected her to not make it to May. At our breakfast spot they have live music. The guy today was amazing…I got his card..  The song choices blew my mind, I cried at the table.. a lot. The hardest I have ever cried in public. I think its hard for Tony to see me like that… openly vulnerable.. to know how[…]

longest wait

2 months ago.. I was holding her. feeling her heartbeat…hard and fast… Tomorrow 2 months ago that beautiful heart finally succumb… stopped beating. The distance between me and her life grows…every time I go to bed another day is added allowing the gap between our time together to grow…but also a day closer to reuniting with her again.. my love/hate relationship with my bed. Nights I write and I re-connect. ..I also hurt..unexplainable sorrow. my love/hate relationship with the nights. I ran this morning. Thought about running the 5k in May…thought about how it will feel to add to the Jennifer Kranz fund at Stanford…I thought about how much she would have loved to help out her doctors. How much she loved them and wanted to make them proud. Her head doc called me last weekend. Just to check in and say she was thinking of her..of us.. These doctors[…]

normalcy

In the middle of the night 1 month ago… Last night was harder than today in most ways. I sobbed…body racking sobs. Going to bed I went to her room. I talked to her…and cried with her…But I decided to sleep in my own bed. Heavy sleep found me.. . Like my body just needed to be really really numbed by sleep. I am appreciative… . I woke up this morning to a quiet house. All my boys were gone (Tony camping and kids with my parents) …baby girl sleeping…and big girl..well we all know where she is. The empty house was a brilliant reminder of what I have to be thankful for.         I am glad I wasn’t alone though. Just me and Charlotte was perfect. She ate…I cried (kinda a theme for the earlier part of the day).  I just talked out loud.. . to[…]