Tag: 8th birthday

8th birthday un-party

Her birthday. The second one we have endured since losing her. The anniversary of her terminal diagnosis. DIPG. The same day and the second we have faced without her. A un-party. We escaped with the kids. It seems to be the only way I can even begin to imagine facing these huge milestones. To the beach, a beach house that friends of our family open up to us. I like being somewhere she was. Being able to remember her in one corner. .. or on the stairs or sharing a meal. She was here with us once. Alive and whole. We mostly escaped social media and our phones on the trip. But Tony and I each took a few moments of solitude to escape into the digital world. We saw post after post about our daughter. About moments and memories people made with their children .. because knowing a family[…]

train is coming

Her birthday is coming. Like a fucking train. I am staring at a train, barreling right for us and I cannot get us out of the way. I want so desperately to make it a celebration for her .. for them too.. But I don’t know how. I am crippled from the pain right now. I feel like a failure. I couldn’t keep her alive. And I can’t feel joy in the blessing of 6 years with her. All I can see right now is the nearly 1 year 8 months I have endured without her. Dear God… That’s a long time. no. no. no. It can’t be real. I think maybe this all started in counseling.. When Tony said something had been changed for 5 years.. And my immediate thought was no. No. Maybe 1.5-2 yrs at most. But instead I just started crying. Because he was right. Because[…]

#forTHEMbecauseofHER

Her birthday is coming. .. She should be 8. This should be a celebration. She loved her birthday. I loved her birthday. But now I am dreading it. Terribly. No balloons to blow up.. no birthday chair to decorate.. no candles to blow out. . No presents. No joy. No happy.. But she deserves more that that. She is worth celebrating. you hear me sissy? Only 6 years we got with her. A friend recently emailed me. About preparing for her soon to be 8 year olds birthday. We went to this girls 6th birthday party shortly before Jennifer was diagnosed. Our friend stumbled across the wrapping paper she had used for a game at that party.. And she was hit.. a rake to the face moment. That damn wrapping paper is still here.. but my dauhter isn’t. And its not ok. Its not fair. I don’t get to celebrate[…]

october 1

The start of Oct. I am excited only for one part of it. The end of most of the Fluttering campaign. I LOVE this campaign. For so many reasons. It raises a ton of awareness and money. Kids are involved and doing it. Kids are saving kids. We partnered with other organizations and allowed people to highlight the child(ren) that have touched their lives. I am proud of it because I think it really showcases what and who Unravel is.. Awareness. Empowerment. Kids. Money for research. But I miss her. Jennifer feels so distant to me this month. I think I know why. I see messages and notes of people every single day who she is touching and inspiring to keep going with Fluttering. But I’m selfish.. I miss her. I miss the signs for me. I miss that sometimes that I feel like she is just about to come[…]