Tag: 3 year old grief

Should

Should .. She should be here. . she should be alive.. That word carries a lot of weight with me right now. They cover me.. and they snuff out the light.. The should’s are dark and consuming. The should nots are heavy and constricting, they are what I don’t want to admit. . She should be growing and changing.. I should already have a wall filled with her school pictures. .. Instead we are tying to figure out what to do with Jonathan’s. . I should be posting his picture.. so proud of the handsome boy he is.. and how much he has changed and grown in the past 12 months. .. I should be happy for my friends and their school pictures.. Especially the kinder ones. . I should be. I’m not. I look at them with a mix of longing, jealousy and anger. . I long for it. For[…]

did sissy die there?

I try to prepare.. especially for things I think will be hard for the kids. Not sure why.. I am pretty much always wrong. Jonathan had a kinder prep day today. I was worried about how hard it would be for him.. and me.. But he was nervous in the more typical jittery way. Being at Jennifer’s school didn’t seems to knock him the way I thought it might. He was bummed at first when he found out he wouldn’t be in her room.. But that was really all. No kids in uniforms.. lining up in a different spot and I guess just knowing it wasn’t a school day made it easier for me than I prepared for. ..until I got in the car. Nicholas. “Mom did sissy die there?” Like being slapped in the face. A sudden and harsh burn. So we talked. He asked who was there when[…]

quicksand

  “At rest, quicksand thickens with time, but it remains very sensitive to small variations in stress. At higher stresses, quicksand liquefies very quickly, and the higher the stress the more fluid it becomes. This causes a trapped body to sink..” national geographic Quicksand .. an analogy I googled mid post and realized was so perfect I cried at the understanding it seemed to convey to me. When you are in quicksand you have move slowly. Deliberately. Constantly. It’s something you have to get out of on your own. But what about when its your kids that are stuck in it? We are pausing continuing to work on her room. We are concentrating on touching them. We are taking just a moment to listen before reacting. Because that’s what they need from us. Last night Jonathan just started crying with Tony. That he missed him this weekend.. that he “loves him[…]