Tag: 12th

the day after..

The 13th is actually the worst day for me I think. . That whole day after thing. When Jennifer died.. that first 12th.. I tried to stay up until midnight .. but I physically couldn’t do it. I knew that after that day was done would be the start of a lifetime of days of not holding her.. touching her.. knowing her.. And I think these two 12ths we have survived are much the same. Because this 13th is the first day I have to say 2 years.. its been 2 years since I lost my daughter. Then there is the whole day after thing. Like an big event in your life the day after is hard.. almost like a let down. We are so busy on the 12th. A mixture of remembering. . and running from the memories I think. We are so incredibly blessed to have had so[…]

do over

Up and down and backwards.. tumbling over and over again. That was my today. I have felt every emotion possible today. But I am ending it.. in a quiet house with  a few hitting me all at once.. all overwhelming in their own right .. Sadness. Dread. Pride. Gratitude. .. an odd mixture. thank you jennifer. i know. i know you have a part in the latter two. the ones that matter the most. somehow i just know i have you to thank. The dread and sadness .. I don’t think I need to explain those.. And tonight I don’t want to. Tonight those emotions are all mine. Moments to be shared with the daughter I can no longer touch.. but will one day follow into the light.. Most of the day I felt on the edge .. just hanging on by a very thin thread. Verging on an outburst[…]

the 23rd -12th-

12th. I am supposed to be working right now. I have a follow up presentation at Genetech to prepare for next week. January 12th. Kids are at school and at my moms so I can write it in a solid block of time and get myself prepared. Its a big deal presentation. 1 month until THE 12th. .. ..again.. But I can’t concentrate. Its gnawing away at me. The time that I know is looming and coming too quick.. but also too slow. Because it feels like forever since I held her last. And its only been 23 months.. How will I last the rest of my life?? ..how the fuck will I last the rest of my life???? A year ago we were all packed up for our make a wish trip. Unsure what to expect but so excited for the adventure. Right before we left though.. the first[…]

october 1

The start of Oct. I am excited only for one part of it. The end of most of the Fluttering campaign. I LOVE this campaign. For so many reasons. It raises a ton of awareness and money. Kids are involved and doing it. Kids are saving kids. We partnered with other organizations and allowed people to highlight the child(ren) that have touched their lives. I am proud of it because I think it really showcases what and who Unravel is.. Awareness. Empowerment. Kids. Money for research. But I miss her. Jennifer feels so distant to me this month. I think I know why. I see messages and notes of people every single day who she is touching and inspiring to keep going with Fluttering. But I’m selfish.. I miss her. I miss the signs for me. I miss that sometimes that I feel like she is just about to come[…]

14

I am in a phase where looking at Jennifer’s pictures I start to smile.. it starts to fill me me warmth like the one above.. how happy and confident she looked. I remember taking that picture and lamenting with my dear friend how quickly it would be real that our two girls would be driving off together.. And that it would look just like that.. but those memories then immediately freeze me up. Because I remember she still could be here but isn’t. Somehow lately looking at her pictures is such a stark reminder of how much has changed while she is stopped in time.. locked in memories and photographs. I think its because I am noticing the changes in all of our living kids lately. .. noticing the change in my own growing belly.   We took the kids to our local amusement park this weekend. .. I woke[…]

the difference a year makes

A year ago people woke up to this posting. .. This picture still makes me my hands and feet go dumb when I look at it. ..It makes the blood pound in my ears. .. Yesterday 7 children died from cancer. ….my child wasn’t one of them. Today 7 children will die from cancer. My daughter is one of them. She gifted me her first and her last breath. . . and so many beautiful ones in between.     Everybody that loves Jennifer has different “last perfect days” But a year ago was mine. 2/12/14. I know that’s hard to understand. But February 12th was the last day I held my daughter. It was the last time I felt her heartbeat under my hand. And those hours leading up to her death were beyond words. The connection I felt with her was the deepest most fulfilling relationship I have experienced.[…]

half the person

She was incredible. I can never really explain her well enough. Why do I have to? Why is she gone? So many kids claim her as their best friend.. (but it was always truly Jonathan) and that’s not because she is gone.. Its always been who she is. She had a “boyfriend”  (she never called them that .. but the cutest boys did seem to flock to her and she certainly never minded!) and a friend everywhere we went.  She would even make friends at the store while we shopped.                   I don’t know what it was but there was just something about this girl of mine that was pure magic. And I miss my magic girl something awful lately. We survived another 12th.. barely though. This has been a terrible time for me.. for us. Jonathan and Tony are just down[…]

grieve

Another 12th.. still not getting any easier. Today was filled with chores. .. Chores like breathing, which today I found so difficult to do. I felt like I was living in jello.. every movement slow deliberate and so very hard to execute. I woke up angry this morning. Not wanting to hear any more “I’m sorry’s” So my post on my personal page was similar to my parenting with my kids. Don’t tell me with your words, show me with your actions. In this case, don’t tell me you are sorry SHOW me… show me you are sorry by doing something about it.  I woke up broken.. just completely depleted of any drive or desire to do anything. But the baby was crying so laying in bed all day wasn’t a option. ..At the same time I also felt this immense gratitude for these little lives I am still being entrusted[…]

because of her

Another 12th.. experienced and gone.. Much like my daughter. The 12th is so bittersweet for me. Its a day to truly go back.. remember and reconnect .. to feel the overwhelming sadness over her being gone for another milestone in time somehow thats a good thing for me.. but then the ache that the distance is ever-growing between us. We got up yesterday and I asked Tony to take us, me and baby Charlotte and our memories to the beach. We went for breakfast and walked on the beach together. I cried a little .. off and on.. We talked a little off and on.. We bought a ton of candy. It was good. It was exactly what we needed.. time together as a couple. Our concentration being on each other.. not a non-profit.. not raising awareness. .. just each other. Husband and wife.. grieving mom and dad. On the[…]