Tag: 1 year

can’t

A year later and nothing has changed. Again. Here I am . Without her. And today is so much harder than yesterday was. So. Much. Harder. I remember this day so vividly. I wouldn’t get out of bed. I think its the only day in my life I have done that. Tony and my sister went to the funeral parlor. I was in no rush. I didn’t understand why we had to go right away. I yelled at him. Told him I wasn’t going to shower. Wasn’t going to change my clothes. I have never been so angry with him in our entire relationship.. as when he suggested I shower. I couldn’t imagine washing her off of me. I still had remnants of her.. of the last moments of her life on me and I never wanted to have it go away. No. A year. Now its a real year.[…]

the difference a year makes

A year ago people woke up to this posting. .. This picture still makes me my hands and feet go dumb when I look at it. ..It makes the blood pound in my ears. .. Yesterday 7 children died from cancer. ….my child wasn’t one of them. Today 7 children will die from cancer. My daughter is one of them. She gifted me her first and her last breath. . . and so many beautiful ones in between.     Everybody that loves Jennifer has different “last perfect days” But a year ago was mine. 2/12/14. I know that’s hard to understand. But February 12th was the last day I held my daughter. It was the last time I felt her heartbeat under my hand. And those hours leading up to her death were beyond words. The connection I felt with her was the deepest most fulfilling relationship I have experienced.[…]

hope so

The kids and I went to go see Jennifer today. I love having a place we can go when we all just really miss her a little extra. We talked about how its been almost one year since she moved to heaven.. We talked about how our bodies know things even if our minds don’t. Jonathan explained an hour or so later.. that its because we love her so much. Even our bodies love her. .. miss her. As I stood in front of her headstone crying and talking to my forever 6 year old I watched my other 3 following each other around. Looking at other peoples spots, noticing who has new balloons or new flowers. They were enjoying themselves.. among headstones. It was a surreal image. One I could have never imagined for us a year ago. but now it is just us. I talked to Jennifer.. about[…]