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release me

I am angry. I am frustrated. I miss my daughter. My sons. My husband. Me. I want to be free of it.. released from the repressive grip this newly emerging emotion has over me. I miss the old me.. my old life. Now all my social gatherings revolve around Unravel.. and if they don’t I find myself swimming in work later. I never wanted this kind of busy. I just wanted to be a tired Mama of 4..I thought that was hard.. Until I found out how exhausting being mommy to child in heaven is. I miss my Jennifer. I look at her pictures lately and just immediately cry. She is frozen in time while all her friends and cousins are growing up. She was a good girl. Not perfect.. but a good kind hearted child and I looked forward to seeing who she would become. I am just so[…]

a bench

Kindergarten. Seriously? Already. Again. I don’t know if I can do this. I still feel locked in the time of her in kindergarten and him in preschool. . I don’t want that altered reality I seem to be able to live in destroyed. Yesterday we had to go to her school.. I probably should start saying his school.. their school. But thats not what my heart screams when I think about it. I assumed it would be a little difficult… I took a different route there.. but I still knew where I was going…. and the blood rushed.. my ears felt like wanted to simultaneously explode and collapse in. I stopped the car.. purely to attempt to catch my breath, I did. We arrived and parked. Jonathan insisting this isn’t it. This isn’t the right school.. he kept saying it over and over again. No mom .. no this the[…]

seasons

The weather is changing. … the time changed. All these things signaling a new time approaching is hard for me… because I both remember this time with her and because I know another season is coming.. another one without her. We have this amazing walking path right behind our house.. so many evenings I spent with Jennifer and Jonathan.. then Nicholas and then Charlotte, walking and talking and exploring on the levy path. Sometimes they were in the stroller and we tried to go far.. sometimes they walked and we seemed to barely move. But we always had fun .. and made memories.. Not so much of individual moments but more of the essence I wanted their childhood to imprint on their memories and mine. I want to still be able to do that with my surviving children. I still want that to be .. at least a piece of[…]

..its her ring…

There was this ring. The most precious ring I have ever owned. More than my wedding ring or engagement ring.. This ring that I once had. I wrote about a few times before.. I bought a bag full of costume jewelry for Jennifer at a garage sale. A little while later she showed me that it had a grown up ring in it.  I slipped in on and it perfectly fit me. It had 5 bumps down the middle. I kissed it and her.. and told her it represented the 5 loves of my life. My 4 children (one of which was still growing in my tummy) and their Daddy. I loved it immediately. And she loved me wearing it. But it was always hers.. she was allowing me to wear it. So every once in awhile she would take it back. The first time I thought it might be[…]

my one job

I love being a mom, their mom.. I can honestly say I always have.. Right now though I feel like I am constantly running with all cylinders firing… and its starting to wear on me. I am trying to be the mom.. the wife I want to be but also run Unravel the way it needs to be run. And I feel like I am unable to do it all. I am starting to wake up exhausted. I hate that feeling. I hate not feeling like I can give my everything to all the things/people I want to give it to. So I am trying to find my little successes.. I am getting better at cooking dinners the way I used to do. That helps.. but also takes up a chunk of time everyday that I am trying to adjust to. I am doing more craft projects with the kids.[…]

broken road

We were done. We were totally sure we were done with that pregnancy. Its part of why I especially hoped that baby would be a girl. I really appreciate having a sister and I wanted that for Jennifer. I will never every forget her coming to my bed at the hospital and meeting her baby sister for the first time. The way she ran over while the boys entered sheepishly. Came straight to me and asked “is it a girl mommy? is it Charlotte? Is is my sister? This is the first time she held her.. I love the way she looks down at her with such love.. such pride.. And a contentment. I remember the swell of love and pride I felt getting to tell her yes. She has a sister now. My bookend girls. Exactly perfect. She helped me with Charlotte right away. Real help. Pretty much everybody[…]

again

I woke up this morning feeling like a weight was on my chest. Heavy and full and weighted down with missing her. We were out late the night before and Charlotte really struggled to sleep so I brought her into bed with us. I loved it but I never sleep as well when I have her with me. Maybe thats adding to this.. how tired I am. I woke up so aware that she wasn’t here. That my daughter is dead. That nothing will ever be complete or full again. That realization is a harsh reality to greet you when you wake up .. wake up with a sleeping baby in your arms and a little boy kissing you good morning. Soon our bed was full.. but not really… today that emptiness was cruelly glaring for me. I just miss my daughter. My first born. The one that gave me the[…]

My no into yes

Its pretty amazing how one moment can trigger one memory.. that then triggers a landslide of them. I was at the CVS pharmacy waiting to pick up my prescription. I moved to the side where the toy aisles are and I remembered being on a phone call there.. standing right in that very spot. So incredibly mad. I was talking to a hospice nurse.. right when Jennfier was going to be getting on service begging for one seemingly simple answer. How can long can a little girl live with no food and barely any liquid. And I couldn’t get a answer. I was nearly yelling.. just tell me a number. How can you not give me a number?!?! Now I know why.. because there really isn’t one. They can last so much longer than you would ever even imagine. Jennifer was over 23 more days. .. I was so mad[…]

bittersweet

I’ve been hoping to talk to another particular cancer mom for awhile now. She is somebody who also writes and I have been told since the beginning I should reach out to.. but it took me time to be ready for that. Then we decided we were open to another baby. I knew it was time. We got the chance to speak today. Briefly and un-smoothly.. because as much as I desperately needed this conversation. To talk to somebody that understands the one word that truly describes this pregnancy.. my kids had other needs. I never figured out what they were but they were all 3 yelling and fighting .. My apologies to Maya.. but I hope we can speak again. I don’t know whats going on but Jonathan’s struggle is intense right now. Its taken leaps forward. I had a solo counseling session with our grief/marriage counselor this week[…]

again..

Everyday brings something a little different for us. But it seems like every day is blanketed in sorrow.. like it blocks the sunshine from really penetrating. This weekend we took down most of the decorations out front of the house. Some of them were wrapped around the trees and bushes and for just a moment I smiled.. thinking how I would be doing this for her again one day when our house gets “T.Ped” because of her.. or when its decorated from a boy asking her to prom. Two whole separate thoughts.. my mind had time for two daydreams before.. truth. death. reality. A year out and I still forget .. I still can immediately go to the hope and the joy that was supposed to come with raising her to adulthood. I think I like it. I will be sad when I don’t. Because right now her life is[…]