Category: Uncategorized

she is more

Birthday done..check. Now halloween. I want to to just sleep through it. I want to avoid it completely. But I can’t, that wouldn’t be fair to my little 3. And then that makes me mad. I always did a good job appreciating the middle of the night wake ups and temper tantrums over not liking their costumes.. because I knew.. well I thought I knew how quickly time could pass. I had no idea I would only be gifted 6 truly magical years … before cancer stole a piece of all of us. The benefit of having so many older siblings that had children before me is that I know I am in the glory years. . the magic years.. But I’m not relishing in them the way I want to.. the way I used just a year ago. My love for them is big and strong.. but the ache[…]

7 years

I want to avoid writing. I want to avoid feeling. Last night we got together again with family to .. well just be together a year since Jennifer was diagnosed with a incurable form of cancer. .. DIPG. A cancer that is vicious and cruel and leaves no survivors. Waking up today I was .. well I was a bit hung over . . but also felt so strange and off. Because I have lived this before. I have lived Oct 29th before. I have sat down at my computer and written via caring bridges about our journey on these days… Unreal..  yet so real. One year since I became a full fledged cancer mom. In a lot of ways today was harder than yesterday. That day.. the 28th.. which also happened to be.. or rather should have been her 7th birthday. One person reading my blog said she thought[…]

silence

**another one I waited to post, I had to clear it with Tony first** How can silence be so deafening? I came home from last Saturday nights fundraiser on a bit of a high to a husband that was really hurting .. really struggling. Missing his daughter. His first case of love at first site. Tony loves me.. tremendously .. but its different. He was smitten. Completely. Absolutely. Totally. From the first moment he laid eyes on her. And I know she felt the same way. But he can’t touch her anymore. He can’t hold her or laugh with her. And something inside him is broken. He loves me. He adores with everything he is our 3 surviving kids. But something is broken. . a place inside that can never be fixed or healed. Its a deep and protected place. The place in his heart that she carved out that was[…]

numb

I feel an invisible force on my foot.. trying to push it down.. put the brakes on this life.. Just make it all stop. . In 4 days I will have been a cancer mom for a whole year. In 4 days.. She will truly be forever 6.. because she won’t be here to turn 7. no no no no Today was the one year anniversary of the last full great day.. free day. .. happy day. The day before I picked her up from school and she threw up in her lap.. the day before we took her to the ER and she was admitted. I wanted to do something that symbolized that.. something free and fun. We went to the high school football games tonight, my brother and brother in laws team vs another brothers team.  It was a hour or so drive each way.. nice for me I[…]

5 minutes later

** I wrote this last week .. but never actually shared it.. I can’t remember why now! **   I need to write.. I want to write but something keeps stopping me. Like I am just scared to let all that is bubbling inside of me out. This weekend was a lot. A lot. It started out with her party.. Saturday morning we finished up decorating the cupcakes and then it was time to go. To get in the car for a thank you to our community and all the people that cared about our family . . and a chance to celebrate with them and our friends this spectacular girl of ours. But I was scared to go.. about how hard this might really be. Was it the right choice for me and Tony.. the right choice for our kids. I make none of the decisions lightly.. but that[…]

crawl

Last week we went to the cemetery for our first picnic, just me and the kids. Jonathan’s request. He asked to skip preschool to go there and I promised right after we picked him up we could go. That seemed to assuage him and the picnic plan made him really happy. On the drive to school the boys asked questions.. I found myself explaining to my 5 and 3 yr olds that just like they have a bedroom in our home.. sissy has a grave in the cemetery.. The gravity of that sentence made my stomach lurch. . but the boys seemed to relate well to it. My daughter.. has a grave like they have a bedroom.. a room that was once hers.. There is another little girl buried near our Jennifer. She was almost 2. It was recently her birthday..Happy birthday Emily.15 years they have had to celebrate their baby[…]

matters

Sometimes I am so incredibly humbled by this community. Leaving our house this morning we all get buckled in then look up at our front door and noticed. WE GOT FLITTERED! It was so exciting for us to see all of the Unravel paper dragonflies flittering around our front door. Loving and protecting our home. We all got unbuckled to look closely.. and of course for Mom to take some pictures!   This evening we went to 7652 Monterey street here in town.  Its actually a local church.. and I got to shake the pastors hand. A place that opened their doors with their new flooring and freshly painted walls to us for our rummage sale fundraiser. So just driving there I was touched by their generosity in action to allow us to use their facilities without asking for anything in return. When I talked to my boys about it driving there,[…]

difference

Are we making a difference? I ask myself that all the time. I dedicate so much of my life and myself to Unravel.. I can’t help but wonder if its really worth it. ..This week it was answered for me In a few unlikely ways.. There was a comment on the blog… one that I am sure is not isolated.. asking questions I am assume others may ask themselves about me.. about us. But it was my answer to that question that has helped me start to rise about the ashes I have been choking on lately. Putting into writing the good that I feel we are doing was empowering. Honestly the words just flowed from me.. the confidence in a such a unsettling time. . Thanks for your reply. I want to respond to a few things. Its actually not the inevitable since lots of people choose not to[…]

presence

I waited to write, then I waited to share. Waited til I was ready to share one of the most personal experiences I have had since she died. Sometimes things happen and I know I won’t share.. sometimes things happen and I know I will.. This was one. But I had to just absorb it.. and cherish it all by myself for a little while…. I go the opportunity to go to 2 Sara Bareilles concerts this past week. I am so lucky! The 2nd night was the original one that had been planned for quite awhile, my sister in law got us both tickets. Another sister in law and my niece ended up coming as well, but sat in a different area. It was quite the journey to get there. . for the 3 of us. I had decided earlier in the week that this would be Jennifer’s first[…]

i just want my daughter

I just want my daughter. I miss her so much. With such a terrible forcefulness. So many feelings.. she should have been here.. And why her? Why my baby? I just want to hold her. To feel her. To see her smile. I am trying so hard. So hard just to function .. I cannot believe how exhausting just living can be somedays. Today is that kind of a day. I woke up ok. We took the kids to breakfast since they filled their sticker charts. And my ache started to break open then. I don’t know if it was the nagging feeling I had that I gave into when we left to give a table full of people our business cards. Feeling like I was ruining their nice morning with the reality of our lives.. or even worse. If they didn’t even care. If it was too much and[…]