Category: Uncategorized

easter… again…

Easter came again. I tried to pretend it wasn’t going to…But it did. Already our 2nd without her.. and I only got 5 with Jennifer. time is passing. it is so unfair. Last year my goal was simply to put one foot in front of the other. To not force myself to try to make traditions that I had to be sure to always adhere to. That was the right choice.. but now I want to start making traditions.. Ones that find ways to incorporate her.. and ones that are simply something new. Easter morning we woke up and made Resurrection rolls. We talked a lot about what the meaning behind Easter is. And that Jesus is the only one who comes back from the dead.. he is the only one that has ever and will ever be brought back to life. I never realized before how confusing Disney movies[…]

crossfit

Its hard. Everything is hard right now. Year two. Fuck. Its hard. To just be.. to exist in a world void of my oldest daughter. To the outside world my oldest child is 5.. but I have been a mother for 7 years.  Its hard to parent them all the way I want to.. To not live in a constant state of fear of losing them too.. I am relying on will it matter in a month a lot lately. To let me know that yes indeed this is a battle worth having.. Its hard to be a good friend/sister/daughter.. because I struggle to connect.. to be able to be in the present on focused on the conversation at hand.. my mind seems to wander off so often lately. If I am being honest .. the truth is I am pretty useless in this area.. And I don’t see a[…]

mail

I am just going along about my day.. getting home from the park trying to rush in to clean off the kids sandy feet and put Charlotte down for nap.. But since I am right there I figure I can get the mail. Its like suddenly being splashed in the face with cold water. The shock and the charge of it rushing through my body. I am disoriented .. I am struggling to catch my breath and I am frozen in place. The sting of it bringing sharp tears to my eyes. Just for a moment. . though I have to get inside and take care of my 3 living.. I feel like I am carrying my limping heart in my hands along with a diaper bag and a handful of mail. The irony. A day of remembrance for children that were also patients like my Jennifer at Lucille Packard.[…]

overlap

Sometimes I feel like I am living in a two worlds.. one in my memory and one in the current. Right now they often overlap each other.. Yesterday I was enveloped in that truth.. As I was driving Jonathan to his new talk dr. the song Brave came on. I was transported back.. to driving with Jennifer and hearing that song.. singing at the top of my lungs and then looking at her in my rear view mirror.. willing her with all my being to be brave.. and just really to be ok. I looked back at Jonathan and had much of the same feelings. .. wanting him to do much of the same as I wanted from her 1.5 years ago. And it was startling.. How much the two moments overlapped and I was somehow able to be living in both times.. Like they were laid on top of[…]

..its her ring…

There was this ring. The most precious ring I have ever owned. More than my wedding ring or engagement ring.. This ring that I once had. I wrote about a few times before.. I bought a bag full of costume jewelry for Jennifer at a garage sale. A little while later she showed me that it had a grown up ring in it.  I slipped in on and it perfectly fit me. It had 5 bumps down the middle. I kissed it and her.. and told her it represented the 5 loves of my life. My 4 children (one of which was still growing in my tummy) and their Daddy. I loved it immediately. And she loved me wearing it. But it was always hers.. she was allowing me to wear it. So every once in awhile she would take it back. The first time I thought it might be[…]

my one job

I love being a mom, their mom.. I can honestly say I always have.. Right now though I feel like I am constantly running with all cylinders firing… and its starting to wear on me. I am trying to be the mom.. the wife I want to be but also run Unravel the way it needs to be run. And I feel like I am unable to do it all. I am starting to wake up exhausted. I hate that feeling. I hate not feeling like I can give my everything to all the things/people I want to give it to. So I am trying to find my little successes.. I am getting better at cooking dinners the way I used to do. That helps.. but also takes up a chunk of time everyday that I am trying to adjust to. I am doing more craft projects with the kids.[…]

broken road

We were done. We were totally sure we were done with that pregnancy. Its part of why I especially hoped that baby would be a girl. I really appreciate having a sister and I wanted that for Jennifer. I will never every forget her coming to my bed at the hospital and meeting her baby sister for the first time. The way she ran over while the boys entered sheepishly. Came straight to me and asked “is it a girl mommy? is it Charlotte? Is is my sister? This is the first time she held her.. I love the way she looks down at her with such love.. such pride.. And a contentment. I remember the swell of love and pride I felt getting to tell her yes. She has a sister now. My bookend girls. Exactly perfect. She helped me with Charlotte right away. Real help. Pretty much everybody[…]

our joy

There is a story that goes along with our announcement. I had planned on.. wanted to write about it. But i sit down and I find my mind is already going to another place. .. Yesterday we announced our 5th child is due August 22nd. It was a happy day for us.. a joyous day. I got messages and emails and FB postings and replies on the blog.. I read every one.. I appreciated every single letter. And when I did that I remembered. .. Jennifer. A long road to her.. 5 losses and failed adoption. .. a broken road that lead me straight to her.. One I would have ridden a thousand times to get to that destination of her. I was part of a local online forum at the time. It became like a virtual group of friends.. solid friends surprisingly. When Jennifer was finally placed in my[…]

announce..

I have been sitting here nervously debating how to write what I want to say for the last 30 minutes… What’s the best way to explain.. My stomach feels all bubbly with nerves. But then Jonathan figured it out.. A video! .. Perfect..Though I will always miss the end of every video we make without Jennifer running up saying “can we watch it Mama?” She said it without fail every single time I filmed her.. This video.. presented by Jonathan, Nicholas and Charlotte .. a gift from their big sister.   …until there is a cure..

hope so

The kids and I went to go see Jennifer today. I love having a place we can go when we all just really miss her a little extra. We talked about how its been almost one year since she moved to heaven.. We talked about how our bodies know things even if our minds don’t. Jonathan explained an hour or so later.. that its because we love her so much. Even our bodies love her. .. miss her. As I stood in front of her headstone crying and talking to my forever 6 year old I watched my other 3 following each other around. Looking at other peoples spots, noticing who has new balloons or new flowers. They were enjoying themselves.. among headstones. It was a surreal image. One I could have never imagined for us a year ago. but now it is just us. I talked to Jennifer.. about[…]