Category: Uncategorized

she is gone

Maybe I shouldn’t read other bereaved mom blogs. I can’t help but compare. Wonder what is wrong with me. In some ways it actually scares me..How they seem to be able to find comfort in the pain.. while I am .. Utterly. Completely. Shattered. She is gone. That was the sound track of me today. Today her class was promoted from kinder to first grade. I went with the kids. I am glad I did. But oh boy.. did it wreck me. I  found myself remembering back to her first day. How nervous she was.. and sad I was. Ha “sad”.. what a fool I was to think I had a clue. Its like every definition of every word I knew changed February 12th. So when Jonathan goes it will be “sad” .. I hope I can let some of that go.. not feel like I always have to clarify[…]

I want to help

I have gotten so many notes and email and texts from people offering help. Unfortunately my brain is so utterly fried.. I can’t remember what somebody told me 2 minutes ago. ..seriously. So what I am asking.. if you have a talent or a skill that you could donate. From face painting to being able to carry heavy tables… or a job from cookie baking to graphic design .. or a famous connection…somebody that might know somebody .. from Angelina Jolie to that kid from Jerry Maguire …or a business connection from the (insert fancy title) at facebook to a winery owner or even just want to share the company you or your mom or your spouse works at.. I cant say for sure what our needs will be in the future.. Right now a book keeper and CPA are tops on the list .. but that’s just the start[…]

winning

Rarely do I type and erase.. but tonight I have been .. I’m not sure what exactly is holding me back.. I guess mostly fear of being judged.. or misunderstood. But as I start to think about the words that want to come.. I cry.. so I will share my truth. Sometimes its hard to accept the good being done for us… since it means the worst has happened to us. And I just don’t want it to be true. I shared on friday that Wes from Coast Range wore a Unravel / love 4 jlk shirt the first day of the CrossFit games. It meant a lot to me..At first it was mostly just excited and touched .. but then it hit me yesterday.. The why. The why of all of this .. because my daughter is dead. and I am so sad. I don’t want it.. I would[…]

are you reading this?

Let me first start by sharing that Wes from Coast Range Cross Fit is in the games this weekend.. we would be cheering him on.. and in awe of all the athletes anyways.. but him wearing a Unravel Pediatric Cancer shirt gave a little extra boost! Such a full day. It started off with a friend coming over to talk Unravel stuff.. Since I felt like she was doing me a favor I wasn’t the mom I should have been.. the mom I want to be to the boys. Instead of getting off my lazy ass and getting them batteries for the bubble machine I kept just telling them to go off and play.. Two reasons that was hard for me.. First it made me hyper aware she is gone. I thought I had done such a good job raising kids content to go off and play on their own.[…]

butterfly

Today was almost all family time..made a immensely helpful phone call on the way home with a woman a long ago friend connected me with.. its amazing what just asking for help can turn up.. Since it was Tony’s last day off of work with the modified schedule, I told him to decide what sounded like fun. He said the San Francisco zoo.. we didn’t get to see the whole thing last time. It was a great choice. It gave us time to be away.. with cooler weather and do some forced nap time for the kiddos. I took Jennifer to the Oakland zoo once when I was pregnant with Jonathan. . so I feel a tinge of guilt over never taking her to this zoo.. Walking out I noticed a sign about donors.. I have never really looked at those kinds of things before. .. and I thought  […]

balance

I am like two people right now.. I feel so totally split in half. ..maybe even more… Right now I feel so disconnected from my heart and my feelings.. so in business mode working on things for Unravel Pediatric Cancer.. Even that is kinda ironic.. “business mode” for a stay at home mom should be making sandwiches and setting up play dates. .not looking for accountants.. Today was all about the non profit. My parents had the boys for us so we could really concentrate on it. It was a zero emotion day. I am excited and I am nervous for what the future holds. I want to do good.. I want to be good.. in the fight against pediatric cancer.. but I cannot lose sight of my two most important jobs right now.. wife and mother. To my living children and dead child.. I need to still be actively[…]

a little update

I wanted to give a businessy type update. We are in the process of getting our 501c3 (non-profit) paper work ready to submit to the government. It only take 100 hours!!!!! Literally that’s how long they estimate it takes. My mom is a lawyer and has taken on this challenge. We are building our board. We will be having our first meeting sometime in June. New website is half way done. Meeting with the designers this weekend to keep working on it. Rummage for a Cure. One of our fundraising ideas… basically garage/rummage/yard sales, with the proceeds going to Unravel Pediatric Cancer. .. which right now all the proceeds from anything we do is going directly to the Jennifer Lynn Kranz fund at Stanford. Hoping to be ready to launch that the mid summer. Taking our time doing everything… in the hopes we do it mostly right the first time.[…]

why

Sometimes its shocking how deep the pain is. I know that sounds ridiculous. All of this journey is wildly different than I thought it would be… Yesterday we were struggling.. as a couple.. as parents… as people. Some friends must have just sensed it and taken our boys for a few hours. We needed that time together to just talk… and fight. .. and grieve together. Its hard to carve at that time as a couple and do the other things we need to get done. Then I got some alone time.. to totally dissolve. Crying so hard my knees lost the strength to hold me up anymore and I collapsed… … missing her with a physical forcefulness. Another one of those surprising things is that almost as quickly as it seems to take over.. it leaves me. Like my body cannot physically withstand an onslaught longer than 6 minutes.[…]

I do now

I am so tired tonight.. just feeling drained and gutted.. angry.. weak.. tired. Its the mundane day to day that’s doing it to me. I miss her. More and more each and every day. How is that even possible? Every night I go to bed thinking its got to get better… this has to be the hardest. its never been. Every day is harder. And its really scary. I never understood how life could be so hard or so big that somebody would want to give up. I do now. Every single breath I take hurts. Fills my lungs with an ache.. that can never be eased. I think in 10 yrs it will be holidays and anniversaries that are so hard.. I will somehow adjust to this new life without her. But now… today.. yesterday.. and I can only assume tomorrow .. the day to day rips into me..[…]